• This post is exceptionally passionate and, therefore, curse words abound. You’ve been warned, you adorable human, you!*

Some got straight A’s. Some never swore or revealed their shoulders. Some never dated. Some joined extra-curricular activities and clubs. A few may have rebelled. Those are the options the yoke of perfectionism will take a person, especially a person raised in religion.

Whether by overbearing parents (who themselves suffered overbearing parents) or overbearing religion, the yoke of perfection weights heavily on many of us humans, especially on women, who bear the brunt of society’s expectations anew every decade or so. It’s fucking heavy. And I’d daresay most of us would love to detach ourselves and stop lugging this thing around. But we continue to lug of our own free will.

WHAT?? How dare I say this? Why would you strap yourself to this wretched thing and go skulking around?

Because this thing we lug around is only what we believe others want to see from us. But look around! Who is noticing the yoke on your neck? Who is noticing the extra hard work you’re putting in? Who is noticing the extra pound you’ve lost? Who is noticing how much more eco-friendly you’ve gotten? Who the fuck cares? You do. You are the one who said salads were much better for dinner. You were the one who said not watching TV before bed was best. You were the one who said socializing was necessary and so you sit uncomfortably at the bar, being “happily social.”

Look around, little human. Because you’re not the only miserable one. Most of us did it for our parents or god, but it was always for love and approval. So now we all do it, for the love and approval of our peers. You may not identify as a perfectionist, but you still have your own yoke to bear. The things, big and small, that you do for the love and approval of others. These people may be authority figures, those we admire, or someone who promises safety in some way. And yes, popularity is a form of safety. So for those who recall trying to look cool for the bitch / asshole in school, you weren’t crazy. They were the top dog who could provide protection. As were your parents. As was God/Jesus/(insert religious entity), as were your teachers, bosses, friends, siblings, and on the list goes. We all want to please other people so we can feel accepted, safe, and loved.

But the problem is, most of us are so wrapped up in our own shit that we don’t even notice when someone else is going out of their way to impress us. Maybe they’ve been going out of their way for years! How long were you waiting for mom to notice your skill on the piano? Or for dad to notice how much faster you’d gotten around the bases? Did they notice the bump in your grades or how clean you’d been keeping your room? Nope. They were wondering if their boss noticed them getting their work done extra quickly that day. They were thinking if their spouse noticed they’d worn their favorite scent. And on and on the cycle goes. We are all only thinking of ourselves.

So. Are we all just doomed to carry our yokes around, waiting for someone to notice how noble and heroic we’ve been? Waiting for someone to praise us? Waiting for someone’s approval? That hasn’t worked for any of us so far. All that leads to is misery. Everyone is just fucking miserable. So the answer is simple isn’t it?

We simply live for ourselves.

Damn. I hate it when it’s that simple. But it really is that fucking simple. We start living for ourselves. If we eat healthy, we do it for ourselves. Because it feels fucking great when we’re healthy! Because our digestion has never been better and we have more energy for our hikes. If we do better at work, we do it for ourselves. Because it feels fucking great when we are pushing it at work, doing our best, and trying to grow and learn. If we meditate, go out into nature, socialize, practice an artistic craft, recycle, volunteer, [insert obligatory activity here] just because we enjoy it, we would enjoy the process and/or the benefits. You know, enjoy the actual living. Just IMAGINE!

What would happen if we started making choices based on our own interests and feelings? When it’s no longer about the promotions, the money, the recognition, or praise or love? When it’s just about you? What activities would fall off your to-do list? What things would suddenly lose importance? What would you stop caring about? What would no longer keep you awake at night? What would it be like to no longer freeze because you aren’t sure what you “should” do because you stopped using that fucking “S” word! What choices would you make for you? (Learn more about the freedom of choosing wrong!)

Live for ourselves. It sounded simple didn’t it? But the more you think about it, and how your life would change if you truly did so, you’ll realize it isn’t so easey peasy. Don’t worry, human. We have a habit of of making easy things super difficult. We also have this thing about focusing right here on us, on our lives, our problems, our reality. So here’s the first step.

We zoom out.

ZOOOOOOM OOOOOUUUUT!

Okay STOP! Right there. Where all the stars surround you, you’ve totally lost track of Earth it might be that tiny ass star there, but that could be the whole galaxy). Yes, riiight here. Hell, zoom out further if it fancies yeh. Now, how do all those activities, obligations, to-do lists feel? Do they feel ridiculous? Does all the overtime, extra-curricular, extreme methods, and pathetic but sincere attempts seem a little sad and definitely unnecessary?

Yes. Yes, they do.

Poor human. We get so wrapped up in our problems, our problems become our whole world. And the biggest problem we all have is that we aren’t loved enough. And that problem also has a sadly stupidly simple solution that we hate to hear. We’ll never feel loved enough, until we get the love that is constant and can never run out. That kind of love doesn’t come from an outside person. That kind of love can ONLY come from inside. Damn. You knew I was gonna say that, didn’t you? I know. Shit. I hate when I hear that answer too. Why? You know why. Because it is somehow so fucking hard to love yourself. It’s not always because you dislike yourself. It’s because it is not normal for us, especially those who grew up in religion, therefore, it is not comfortable. So it takes practice. Uncomfortable practice. And we feel weird. And egotistical. And bad for loving ourselves. Which is entirely fucked up. Little human is just a lifeform. A lifeform like any other on this amazing little rock. And we have let the other lifeforms always provide us what we we need. And that is love.

Call love what you want (protection/safety/security/acceptance) but it’s the same. Look at old Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Right there. Number 3 on the ladder, but I’d wager it’s more like the back layer of the ENTIRE fucking pyramid, save for maybe the bottom. If you’re in the self-actualization phase, you’ve moved passed the need for your peers approval. Psych. I wish. I’d say of the people I’ve met, some of those who claim to be here are some of the most needy of acceptance I’ve ever met. So yeah, the whole damn thing. But even then, two of the damn slots fall under love: Esteem & Belonging. Because under Esteem is status and recognition, which I’d categorize as a higher form of love (acceptance/protection/etc).

So yeah. We need it and yeah, it’s gonna be hard to break the norm of how we normally get it. BUT! It isn’t impossible. At least, I don’t think it is. I’m a little human, like all of you. I’m still working on it. I’m still carrying my yoke when I think about what the “best” thing I could be doing is. When I assume there is a “certainty” in my future, if I only make the “right” choices. Thanks, religion! But as I realize that my yoke used to be my religion, my mother/father, society, teachers, and of course GOD, I realize that I can take some off. I can take off religion and God (yes, two separate but equally heavy fuckers), and holy guacamole, that got a hellovalot ligther! And old teachers can kindly get the fuck off, especially you religious teachers with your arched brow of contempt and judgment. Society can kiss my lilly-white tuchus. And mother/father can also kindly get the fuck off. I’ve wasted too much time there. Suddenly…that leaves me with…nothing. The yoke disappears into a bit o’that pixie dust and I’m light as a feather!

Well… at least I will be when I can let go of it. Yes, just “knowing” this isn’t really “knowing” it. I, just like all little humans, have deep grooves, patterns that I continue to think in despite “knowing better”. It doesn’t matter if we see a moving documentary, hear a rousing speech, or finish a book that gets our blood pumping. You may want to change your life, shout your new beliefs, say “I want to believe/live this way!”, but then 24hrs pass. Then another, and another. Your day-planner might have had a few seminars, classes, books, or events. You might have shared your new ideas with a friend or blasted something on social media. But then you forgot. You woke up, and the memory got ligther and ligther. That deep groove resumed it’s hold and we continued on automatic. Suddenly our heavy yoke is back. Day in, day out. Our thoughts follow loops. Most thoughts come unbidden, and most are repeated. Over, and over, like a wire just sending it along the loop. Because along the way we’d been taught things that deepened that groove. Whether they were church hymns and rhymes, chants or prayers, lectures or sayings, that belief got deeper and deeper. You might read/hear a new thought that you like MUCH better. But if you don’t work on it, that shallow little “belief” will never outlast the years and years of grooves these other less-than-helpful beliefs have. You’ll default, little human. Not because there is something wrong with you. Not because you aren’t determined, or smart, or committed. Not because you are a failure. But because you are fucking human.

Because….zoooom ooouut!

Yes. Because you are just a tiny little life form on this little spec of a planet. Of course most of your life is on autopilot. Don’t believe me? Try this instead…. Zoooooom…. (think you know where I’m going? Well you don’t!) IN!

That’s right! Now zoom in!

Look to your cells, little human. You remember biology class. Remember the ribosomes and mitochondria? Do you think the little cell is panicking that it went on autocycle and didn’t remember it wanted to take a different turn on the next loop? Of course not! That would be insane! We can watch these little cells. Most move in the same patterns, around and around. Some move about. Them bitches travel. Some change, morph, some stay the same. But they are just the same little cells. We don’t expect much. They are just life on a massively zoomed-in scale. Now zoom back out. You don’t expect this of the birds, either. You don’t expect this of zebras, or ants, or the fish in the sea. You don’t expect the elephant to just suddenly remember that the water that’s been in the same spot for twelve years is gone, just because it was last year. Damn! How did they not remember? It was gone last year, right? They should have remembered! Nope. They are on autopilot when they make the treks to these watering holes. Birds and fish have migratory patterns. The winds have their patterns. The plats have theirs, too. If everything has it’s patterns and automatic roles, how silly would it be that humans are the exception?

Yes, you see what this train of thought can lead to. Not only does it mean we can live for ourselves if we love ourselves, but that it’s going to take work to love ourselves. BUT it also means, yes, that like all these other life forms, it means we don’t have a purpose. Which means…whatever the hell you want it to mean. I’m still trying to figure out what that means to me. Let’s just let it mean what it means. Recap: We have no purpose and we have automatic cycles and patterns that we follow.

This means, no. It’s not going to be easy to love yourself. It’s a wickedly deceptive answer: love yourself. It sounds so simple, but the cruelty is that it isn’t. And that is just sad. It’s sad that it’s hard to love ourselves. It’s sad because it sounds so compassionate and easy to love. I love lots of people! Or at least have loving feelings, compassionate, empathetic feelings toward most everyone. Why would you have anything else, I feel? And yet, with myself, it feels foreign. It feels forced, strange, and somewhat egotistical still. Because that is what I have been taught to believe about it. Religion taught me that when it came to love, it always came from outside. And there was a checklist of things I had to do to get that love. It wasn’t free. So of course, free love…from myself? Yeah, that’s a tough groove to dig. But I’m working on it. And you’ll have your own trouble with yours. There will be grooves that are so deep, grooves you wished you’d smoothed out years ago, but there they are. That’s okay, human. We’ve all got groves we don’t want. Most of our grooves we don’t want. Because we didn’t intentionally create them. These grooves were from others when we didn’t know better. We were innocent children. So don’t blame yourself for these deep patterns, for these unhealthy ways of thinking and acting. Go easy on yourself. This is the very, very first step toward that elusive self-love! First step toward self love is being compassionate about your deep groves. If it helps to think of yourself as a fish, a bird, a tree, a cell, a star! Whatever helps. Think of yourself as any other life form on this planet, or outside it even. Then try again. You’d go easy on them. You’d be compassionate. You wouldn’t expect so damn much.

Alright little human, let’s wrap up what we’ve talked about today. The yoke of perfectionism. As we’ve learned, it’s not JUST perfectionism. But perfectionists happen to have it particularly bad because it’s impossible to be perfect. However, those who’ve grown up in religion know that there is very much a way to be perfect. And many others have their own stories where they can testify of their need to be perfect for love. But really the yoke is our need for love and acceptance. Whether you’re a perfectionist or not, dear one, put it down. That’s the only way you’ll get rest. You’ll never achieve what you believe is “perfect” because it doesn’t exist. And the ones we think will love us if we do “right” likely aren’t even paying attention. They have their own yoke to bear as they search for their own love and acceptance. So to put it down, we must work on building the love from within. This takes time and patience. Which sounds a lot like love, but it’s not. You can be patient with yourself as you try to develop self-love and self worth (read further on how here)

There is no perfect way to do this. I could set a calendar and say, “I’m on a One Year Self-Love Journey!” (like I may have one year ago) but I know now I was still following the deep groove. I’m doing something impressive! I’m putting it in the journal, the calendar, and I’m setting the watch. So I won’t do that. All I can say, is I’m working on it myself. And one way that I personally work on it is by reciting or listening to a poem, by yes indeed, Reverend Safire Rose. Yes, I see the irony. Shaddup. But this particular piece helps me have compassion for myself without bombarding myself with the fake “love” word which may sound like a lie. Ironically the poem is also titled “She let go.” Don’t say I didn’t warn you if it becomes your new morning read.

She Let GoPoem by Rev. Safire Rose

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgements. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of all the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons, wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all the memories that held her back. She let go of all the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of all the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right. She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her day-timer (See!) She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. (Horrible S word!) She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step spiritual mind treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go. No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It Wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was. And it is just that. In the space of letting go, she it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…

Now. Come on. Don’t tell me you didn’t love that! Anyway, this little poem is helping me to let go of my yoke, my perfectionism, my need for acceptance. I’m putting the “S” word to sleep. I’m trying to live for me. I’m taking the baby steps towards loving me. So try to look for the things you need to help yourself be patient. If it’s a poem like this, or it’s a movie you watch, or song you listen to. Whatever makes you feel something for yourself. It’s going to take time to put the yoke down, to let go. It’s going to take time to smooth out these grooves and build some new, helpful habits that match the people we want to be. But I believe we can do it. And it’s much easier, little human, if we do it together.

Feel free to hop into the forums and talk about perfectionism, acceptance, love, all of it. How has your yoke made you someone you don’t want to be? What would your life look like if you let it go? What helps you feel patient and compassionate for yourself? Share your stories, triumphs, trials, and everything in between. Come be human with us.