Any woman who grew up with siblings has known what it feels like to be a mother-figure. Even if our siblings were older, if we were the only female, we were the little mother of the house. As young women, we became our mother’s helper. Taking care of the house, of the children, of the meals, even of our fathers or grandparents. Perhaps we even felt pressure to care for our mothers as well! Why? Because this was the supposed responsibility of women. Who placed all this weight on them? Why our religion-influenced society of course. Woman became the helper, while man was the leader. There can only be one leader after all, and as religion was started by man, of course, man was the leader. How coincidental that the leader doesn’t have to be responsible for everyone under him, but that falls to the helper.

Women accepted this helper role for some reason, thinking perhaps it meant they were valued in the eyes of god. After all the digs religion makes at women, why wouldn’t women accept whatever scraps were given, especially if it was served on a silver platter? Like a servant graciously accepting more duties from their caring master, we did these works with a smile on our face, never to complain, as this was our “purpose.” And so we learned as children to be caretakers and perfect examples, responsible for everyone’s wellbeing, righteousness, and care. For our friends, for animals, for anyone being victimized, for our colleagues, and then our partners, parents, communities, and finally, our own children. We had been trained our whole lives to care for, to be responsible for, others. And I for one think that’s complete bullshit.

You Are More Than A Caregiver

Yes, women may be natural caregivers purely because we literally give birth. But that does not automatically make us caring people, nor does it make us responsible for doing so. Personally, I don’t want children. Horrifyingly, I didn’t know this until I had already been married over five years and had been planning my whole marriage around them. I assumed I was to have children because I was a woman. That was my “purpose”. I cringe every time I think that now.

An ability is NOT a purpose. A gift is NOT a purpose.

Only you decide your purpose. Anyone else who claims to know your purpose is seeking only to satisfy their own needs. Your purpose is code for what they want you to do for them. Is it any wonder that religion (and religion-based society in general) views women as the caretakers of house and children? You know, all the work and responsibility that’s involved in having a family and life. Who wouldn’t want to delegate those chores? And the most clever way of giving someone additional responsibilities is by telling them it is their purpose. By making the female feel naturally special, and claiming the male assigner as being naturally inept.

So women grew to believe the lies we were told. We grew to believe only we were competent at raising children. Only we were talented enough to cook the meals, to decorate the house, to arrange the family get-togethers, to call the repair men, to plant the garden, to knit the holes in sweaters, to nurse wounds, to rehearse school lines, to ensure the dog gets his medicine. Seems like…everything. And all men were expected to do was go to “work” and come home to relax.

You Help No One if You Ignore Yourself

When a woman decides to question her religion, she is forced to question the views that religion gave her. She may look around her “castle,” full of responsibilities given to her, and wonder if this is truly her “castle.” She may doubt her purpose because she knows she is capable of bigger, better things. She then endures an identity crisis when she questions all she’s been taught, all she is. And this crisis can last a long time, even if the inner work is being done to unravel these false beliefs and programming. Some women, however, may choose to go back to the kitchens and playrooms, the fear of the unknown too scary, the belief in themselves too low. There is some comfort in any cage we have, even if it is a cage. It’s what we know.

But how much can we really be of service to those we love, when we want to be of service, if we’ve completely ignored ourselves? As they say, put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others. Women must first care for their own needs, nurture their own dreams, and be responsible for themselves first, before attempting to help others. Even if you have no intention of helping others, you help the world by simply caring for yourself and your needs. You will cause ripples and turn heads, you may even be judged. But who cares? Why not make some ripples?

You Can Only Control Yourself

I’m here to remind you that you are not responsible for anyone but yourself. If you have children, then to an extent, you are responsible for them. But once they become individual people, your control is actually very little. Around the ages of fourteen, most “kids” have decided who they are and parents can only hope to influence from the sidelines. Yet regardless of how involved a parent is, children will become adults and make adult choices. A parent cannot believe they are forever responsible for their children, and shouldn’t try to be.

Parents are individuals. A mother is a woman first. She has an individual identity, complete with ambitions, desires, and needs. It is she who you must return to over and over again. It is only she who you have 100% control over. Not influence, control. And therefore, it is only she whom you can be entirely responsible for.

And so, as you navigate your faith transition, as you unravel who you are from who they told you that you were, remember this. Remember that you truly only control one person. You have only one mind, one body, one heart. You control only your legs, your hands, your eyes. You are the only one who will pursue your dreams, achieve your ambitions, heal your wounds, and meet your needs. How can you possibly do that if you’re always worrying about being responsible for everyone and everything else?

You come first

The time to come home is now. There will always be more chores to do, more people to help, more things that need doing. But you are not a slave and your needs are important. The only one who will ever put your first is yourself. Now is the time to practice putting yourself first. Yes, even if you have a spouse. Yes, even if you have children. Even if you have a house, a pet, a business. You. Come. First. And the stranger this idea sounds, the greater the need is.

Start small. Take an hour today to do something for yourself. To work on your goals, to make yourself happy, to meet your needs. There will always be someone who is making demands of your energy and time. Always. So there is no use trying to constantly stay “up” on the demands.

This is a radically different way of being a woman in the world. And you will likely get judged. But remind yourself, that those who judge are either A) one of the people perpetuating this bogus responsibility imbalance or B) a fellow victim of this backwards mentality whom you are making uncomfortable by challenging their way of being in this world. Embrace their confusion and rage. Be the example because it comes naturally, not because you are fitting into their mold. You may just inspire another woman to take a look at herself and her “purpose” in this world, to question who she’s truly “responsible” for.

To get the most out of these messages, I invite you to join the next live circle, happening every Sunday! Come reclaim yourself after religion!