In the world of religion the only one who could show you love and compassion was an imaginary figure in the sky. He may have been called father, brother, savior, etc. It was only this person who could show compassion, and through him only that we were able to show even an iota of self-compassion. We had to see ourselves the way God/Jesus saw us. Which meant that if we broke religious rules, supposedly God’s rules, than we ought to feel horrible about ourselves. And if we sought forgiveness, through the act of prayer or paying additional tithes, then magically, we could feel the forgiving light of God/Jesus.

Now that we’ve left religion, it’s up to us to show ourselves self-compassion. It’s up to us to set the rules and expectations for ourselves, along with the reactions if we fail to follow those rules and expectations. Do we decide to punish ourselves with no dessert for a week if we break our 1-cookie rule? Or do we laugh, empathize with the little girl who is self-soothing with a cookie, and try again next week to limit ourselves to one, reminding ourselves that we are limiting our desserts because we want to feel good in our bodies? Which reaction is the more compassionate one? Which would you prefer?

We Hold All The Power

The truth is, that without an imaginary sky king/daddy to ask forgiveness from, and without a “perfect” brother to compare ourselves to, what is preventing us from simply being all we need for ourselves? What is preventing us from being the kindest, most empathetic, most understanding, patient caretaker of ourselves?

The only reason we aren’t automatically this person to ourselves is because we were raised to be otherwise. As children, we needed the approval of others to survive. As religious children, we sought the love of an all-powerful God who would send us to hell/outer darkness if we disappointed him. Bottom line: we learned to operate out of fear. And just because we are adults now who provide for ourselves, and now we don’t believe in a vengeful, judgmental God, this doesn’t mean we suddenly drop this way of being in the world. We may “know” to be self-compassionate, but we don’t really, really know it. We don’t know it in the same way we know to be self-criticizing. If we did, it would come just as easily.

The truth is, we operate 95% of the time on auto-pilot, meaning these new beliefs are going to take time (and patience) to fully believe and act from. You may have a day where you are super compassionate to yourself, and the next day, be the worst kind of critic. This is okay. Loving the critic when she comes out is a HUGE part of developing this self-compassion. In fact, if you can practice self-compassion when you feel anything but, this will take your progress leaps and bounds because you are actively holding yourself when you feel the worst (and need it the most) and actively acknowledging (and challenging) the hurtful programming you want to drop.

Perfection is Not A Requirement for Compassion

Regardless of what happened to you in the past, regardless of what you’ve been told, you are innately worthy of love, compassion, and joy. You are a human. Humans make mistakes, they say the wrong thing, they forget, they set overly high expectations for themselves and others, they have great ambition, they take loses seriously, and they care greatly about what other humans think. Humans are fallible beings. They suffer and inflict suffering on others (intentionally and unintentionally). But they also push themselves, look out for each other, create wonderful things, and they are worthy of love, because they are a life form. If the only reason you aren’t giving yourself compassion is because of past errors in judgement or because of your outdated religious thinking and programming, now is the time to do some belief spring cleaning!

No one is perfect. And the only way of measuring perfection is by measuring one against another, like for example, Jesus. But if you remove Jesus from the picture, who would you have to compare yourself to? And why would you want to? The only person you should be comparing yourself to is yourself. Have you grown? Have you developed more self-love? Have you been more patient with yourself than last year? Have you given yourself more joy? The only person you can evolve from is yourself. And the only person who should care about this evolution, is you!

Don’t develop self-compassion for others, do it for yourself. If you’re only getting healthy because you think the world will love you more, then you don’t have a solid reason for getting healthy. If you’re only working on your anxiety or depression for others peace of mind, then you aren’t really ready to tackle these issues for yourself. And the longer we keep chiseling away at ourselves for the satisfaction and approval of others, the longer we’ll be miserable. Because the truth is, we will NEVER match the expectations people have in our heads. In our heads, these people expect the world from us. Your mother expects perfection, your boss expects perfection, your partner expects perfection.

Actually, they don’t. (And they’d be stoked if you stopped expecting perfection from them, too!)

These expectations exist in our heads only. And if you grew up religious, they are even stronger because God/Jesus was the one we strove for perfection to please. Therefore, if we drop God/Jesus, then odds are, these self-imposed expectations will seem to come from others around us (even when they aren’t). So long as we keep living to meet the supposed expectations of others, we will never be happy, never be at peace, and never love ourselves.

Only You Can Be The Person You Need

It is only us who can meet these deep needs. It is only us who can determine how we ought to spend our time, what we ought to eat, and what we should believe in. It is possible to continue to operate from this old religious programming if we never bring it into our awareness. It is also possible that we live for others our entire life, boxing ourselves into this mental image we think they have of us. But it’s also possible to catch these harmful thoughts and beliefs once in a while, and correct them. It’s possible to still have a knee-jerk reaction to feeling rejected, but then to meet ourselves with love and self-compassion instead of criticism. It takes time and dedication. I challenge you to dedicate yourself to this endeavor. It is the most worth-while thing you can do for yourself, especially post religion. When you truly know that you are the only one you need to impress, you’ll find you are already quite impressed with yourself, and actually, could do with a little relaxation and maybe even a cookie.

To get the most out of these messages, I invite you to join the next live circle, happening every Sunday! Come reclaim self-compassion after religion, along with so much more.