Being alone has always been portrayed in society as something to avoid. If we were ever alone at school, we worried about being branded “loners.” If we didn’t have lots of friends, we were seen as lame. If we didn’t participate in lots of activities and clubs, we were called antisocial. The world sure puts an emphasis on the group, and really hates on the individual.

As women, this is often enforced to an even greater extent. Men are permitted to be silent, unfriendly, “anti-social”, and even solitary. But for a woman, these traits usually attract suspicion and judgement. Because, SURELY, no woman would CHOOSE to be alone. She needs her girlfriends, her family, her beau, her children! If she’s alone, well, she certainty didn’t choose to be.

Society Needs Women to be Dependent

Yet embracing our individual company is one of the best things we can do for ourselves after leaving high-demand, close-knit religions/cults like Mormonism. Yes, it will be uncomfortable and foreign at first, but with practice, we may realize how much we enjoy our own company.

Most people leave religion with co-dependency issues, particularly women. Gee, I wonder why! It could be that women were taught to seek companionship from a young age, that all of her movies and shows were fixated on her finding a man, and that we were once literally sold by our fathers to the highest bidder. I can’t IMAGINE why we become co-dependent, why we struggle to be on our own, and why it’s so damn hard to think for ourselves and not consider what others want first. It’s a horrible mess of people-pleasing and co-dependency, dunked in self-loathing. After all, if a woman is alone, she better feel bad about herself. And if she really wants a relationship, she needs to conform to everyone else. Sounds like a recipe for self-loathing to me.

From our father’s house to our husband’s house, religion taught us to be reliant upon men. If not our father, then our brother. If not our husband, than our neighbor. We were never taught to see ourselves as complete individuals. We were never taught to enjoy our own company or to value our alone time. We were simply made to feel incomplete without a man to lean on.

We Rise When We Stop Playing Society/Religion’s Game

Ultimately, co-dependency and needing of others is a symptom of much deeper wounding: our lack of self-trust, our disconnection from ourselves, weak boundaries, and finally, our need for approval. As women, we were (and still are by much of society!) judged on the dumbest of things. From our hair, to our clothes, to our nails, to our makeup, there is always someone (often a business) ready to comment or critique. It’s not just the outside, but even our behaviors and choices are judged. From the way we speak and the way we hold ourselves, to our business acumen or creativity, to our careers and hobbies. Someone else always claimed to know what was best for us. We’re usually not “woman enough” or “christ-like enough” to someone. Thus, we sought approval, didn’t trust ourselves, and had essentially zero boundaries. Because as we know, approval = acceptance = survival.

Even beyond the subconscious programming to have no boundaries or self trust, women were trained to be needed, taught to follow the crowd, and even pitted against one-another. Religion and society blatantly discouraged women from striking out on their own or trying new things. We’ve been fighting each other just to be noticed, as though only one of us can be seen at a time. That’s how society wants it. Society and religion taught women to be fearful, dependent, small, and endlessly giving. Women really have gotten the short end of the stick, and it’s high-time we took a stand and demanded more for ourselves.

The Challenge To Be Alone

So I issue you a challenge. We know this view is complete bullshit, and once we know that, we can begin the patient unravelling of this toxic programming. The first step is consciously taking time to be alone. You don’t need to meditate, or do yoga, or journal. You don’t need to “do” anything, and in fact, that is often a distraction from being with ourselves, the same way watching a movie is.

You will feel uncomfortable. You will want to seek company, some more than others, depending on how social you are, as well as how much practice you’ve had spending time on your own. I encourage you to push through the discomfort, maybe even question it. Why am I uncomfortable on my own? Why do I seek the company of others? Why do I need my husband to help me confirm my choices? Why do I struggle to approve of myself and my choices?

The time to end our co-dependent ways and survival-focused mentality is now. Co-dependency takes a lot of time to overcome, and it requires taking an honest look at all the roots. It’s not just about setting boundaries, expressing your needs, or not caring about what other people think. It’s also about depending on yourself. But how can we learn to depend on ourselves, if we don’t even know ourselves? If we can’t even spend an hour with ourselves, how can we spend a lifetime with ourselves?

Get to Know Yourself

Find time to take yourself out on a date, a real one. Go on a long, leisurely walk. Sit alone and listen to music that you love, but others don’t “get.” Just be with yourself. Be alone on purpose. And when the objections stop and the discomfort eases, see if you can summon some curiosity about yourself. Maybe a little compassion and empathy.

Can you see how awesome you really are? Why do you choose to be the way you are (funny, helpful, driven, friendly, etc.)? Why do your friends like you? Why do you like you?

Go deeper and deeper (this will take frequent attempts, it won’t happen in an afternoon), each time being alone for longer stretches. Go deeper until you come to your soft core, your true essence. And when you see this true essence, you’ll want nothing more than to let it shine, to hell with what anyone else thinks. You’ll witness the strength inside, the fire, and realize that you don’t need anyone but yourself. You’ll see that you not only approve of yourself, but you’re actually quite impressed with yourself.

You will begin to feel empowered in your decisions, confident in voice, and less concerned about gaining the approval of others. You’ll realize that you are one badass lady and THAT is why society and religion wanted to separate you from her. The woman who is fine alone, who speaks her mind, who doesn’t depend on others, who doesn’t care what others’ think is truly free. And a free woman is the most fearful of all. A free woman can change the world.

To get the most out of these messages, I invite you to join the next FREE live circle, happening every Sunday! Come reclaim solitude and self-trust after religion, along with so much more.