The word “self-love” sounds dirty to some, conjuring images of self-pleasure, self-satisfaction, and all manner of selfish qualities. We’ve been taught to think this way. If we think about ourselves, we’re being selfish. If we love ourselves, we’re narcissistic. If we care for ourselves, we’re feminine. If we care about our food, we’re a health nut. If we value rest, we’re lazy. If we push ourselves after our dreams, we’re driven. If we try to change what we’ve always done, we’re a faker or poser. If we always do what we’ve always done, we’re a loser.

The world wants us to think that focusing on ourselves is bad.

It’s not.

It’s vitally important.

And it’s incredibly hard.

Self-Love is a commitment to ourselves

We must start by defining, perhaps for the first time, what self-love really is. It’s not buying the whole mall and it’s not spending hours in front of the mirror, despite what the world wants us to believe. Self-love is instead an intention we make to ourselves to be more kind, patient, supportive, and understanding. It is simply deciding to be more loving towards ourselves, in ways which have nothing to do with garnering the love of others.

When we choose to meet ourselves with love, it looks like taking a break, working on our hobby, stepping into the sun, and massaging our feet. When we choose self-love, we eat that piece of cake, watch that movie we’ve been eying, and we don’t let ourselves quit on something we really want. Basically, we treat ourselves as we would our best friend or lover.

Sounds easy enough…

Self-love is simultaneously effortless and incredibly difficult

If humans had mastered self-love, the world would look vastly different. If it were as easy to love ourselves as it is to love a friend, we wouldn’t have books, articles, courses, workshops, retreats, and therapists constantly reminding us how.

This is likely the hardest thing I’ve attempted since leaving organized religion. In organized religion, I was taught that love could only come from someone else. I was a sinner, always and forever. I was only loveable if I followed all the rules and expectations of the church, and even then, I never felt truly loved. So the idea that I could simply change my attitude and in an instant become enough–loveable– is still one I’m trying to grasp.

It’s not just religion that wants me to feel inadequate, but society as a whole needs me to seek love outside myself. Society needs me to think I’ll be happier with the new car and prettier with the new dress. If we get the job, our friends will envy us. If we buy the big house, our family members will admire us. These lies have been spun by crafty advertising agencies and corporations since the dawn of television. When life suddenly became about filling our time instead of simply surviving, we were brainwashed into believing happiness and self-satisfaction were only something we could get from others or material goods. Leading us to the modern man and woman who have houses full of stuff, brag-worthy resumes, and impressive bank accounts, but who ultimately hate themselves.

Loving ourselves is challenging because we were never taught to go within for love. We were taught that it always came from someone else.

Self-love is the game we love to play but refuse to win

We buy more, do more, in search of more love from others, so we can then love ourselves. We lose a little here, feeling small and judged. We gain a little here, feeling admired. Back and forth the pendulum swings. We move our pieces two steps forward, and then three or four steps backwards. On and on we play this game, knowing full well this isn’t the strategy to win. I’m here to tell you self-love isn’t a game we need to play. It’s one we can win. It’s just not easy.

The truth is, we’ll never feel loveable or worthy no matter what we buy, how our congregation, friends, or family views us, or what jobs we have. No, the truth is much more frustrating and difficult to believe. The truth is that we can feel self-love anytime we want. We can stop playing the game at any time, and win, by simply viewing ourselves from the perspective of a good friend or family member. The instant we allow ourselves to feel compassion and empathy for ourselves is the moment we’ll feel loved. The moment we accept ourselves exactly how we are, we’ll feel worthy.

It might not last forever, maybe only a moment. But it’s a start. It’s this moment that will change everything. In this moment we’ll realize just how powerful we are. Bit by bit, remembering to truly love ourselves as often as we can, is winning the game. Society will still tell us we need to seek approval, validation, recognition and that we’ll be happier if we have more crap. Reminding ourselves this is all a lie every now and then is key to slowly changing our beliefs.