Love. It’s one of the first high concept words we learn, and we learn it early. We loved our stuffed animals, the weeds in the yard, apples, the park, and our friends. We loved things others didn’t love, and hated things that others loved. Yet, still, we grasped this concept. It was easy to understand loving things and loving people. And, unfortunately, if we grew up in organized religion, it was also easy to understand love from god. We understood that every action we took either earned or lost that love. Especially if we were female. So where do we start in reclaiming self-love outside religion?

“Love” in Organized Religion

In the Mormon church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), love was earned through obedience. And for women, there were many, many ways to earn as well as lose God’s love. I earned more love if I dressed modestly, married young, had children, paid ten percent of my income for life, and on and on the requirements went. I lost his love and acceptance if I used curse worse, was sexually active before/outside marriage, didn’t attend all my church meetings, neglected to pray over my food, drank coffee/tea, and on and on these silly rules went.

Even outside the commandments and expectations, simply being born female meant my body was shameful and I was a sinful temptation to be covered up, lest I encourage men give in to their carnal instincts. Not only are women to cover up their bodies, but to get into the highest kingdom of heaven, it’s required that they marry (a man, only). Yet even marriage and turtlenecks won’t grant women the priesthood, denying them the power to give blessings, receive “revelation,” or hold high positions within the church. My value–women’s value–, according to religion, is in the kitchen or raising children. Is it any wonder women in religion feel unlovable? Is it any wonder I write articles about reclaiming self-love?

So give yourself a break, honey! It’s not your fault you’re so critical of yourself. You were raised to judge yourself and those around you, including loved ones. You were NOT raised to see the good in people, to find what you loved about yourself, or to treasure the imperfect. Who can blame you? If you’re like me, it’s hard to even connect with yourself in meditation. If this is the case for you, take heart.

I spent nights on my knees, hands clasped in prayer, wondering why I wasn’t feeling anything. I would sit and cry, imagining that the love I hoped for was real, wrapping around me like a warm blanket. A love I didn’t have to earn. A father above that would accept me no matter what. A father who would tell me I was perfect just as I was. As a child of divorce, I needed this all-accepting, all-loving father. I craved acceptance above all. This wasn’t something I ever got from god, despite my praying. Instead, I felt rejected, scorned, forgotten, abandoned. I knew my god’s love was conditional, and if I wasn’t feeling it, then it was something I had done wrong. I grew up never feeling good enough, worthy of love. Love was something to earn, and I couldn’t earn enough.

Self-Love is Not a Sin

It wasn’t until I was in my late twenties (I’m thirty-one as I write this), that I realized how backwards this idea is. By now we’ve all heard the word: self-love. What a notion! Loving myself? Get outta here! My initial reaction was one of repulsion. Self-love sounded pretty selfish. “Let other people love you, and you love them back- that’s how it works! I hate those people who are totally in love with themselves. Yuck!” It took me a while to realize how I had misunderstood the term. Self-love isn’t about worshiping yourself, and yet, it is.

Stay with me.

Reclaiming self-love starts with redefining it. The act of self-love has many forms. For some, it’s a bubble bath with a glass of wine after work. For others, it’s writing a love letter to yourself on your birthday. It sounds like it’s just indulging, and sometimes is, but it’s so much more. Self-love is having cereal for dinner after a long, hard day because it’s easier and you’ve worked so hard already. It is NOT taking up three parking spots because it’s easier and you’re too lazy to walk. Self-love is staying in PJs all day when you’re sad. It is NOT buying yourself a yacht when you’re sad, or hell, maybe it is if you have that kinda scratch.

Reclaiming self-love is not necessarily spoiling yourself, but it is cherishing yourself, and treating yourself with extra compassion. It is about treating yourself how someone who loves you would treat you, which requires pausing, considering, and acting deliberately. This includes self-talk, ways of spending your time, the food you eat, setting and working towards your personal goals, etc. Self-love can touch everything in your life! But it’s important to truly understand it.

Perspective Shift

You’ll notice that many of these actions aren’t things you would instinctively do for yourself, but you would do for someone you love. If your friend just got dumped, would you criticize everything she did wrong in the relationship and tell her she’s going to die alone? Or do you make her some hot cocoa (with a shot of whiskey, perhaps) and put on her favorite movie so she can cry it out? Do you give her a pep-talk about all the new guys she’ll meet or gush about how much better off she is without him? Do you take her up for a night on the town to get her out of her head? These are the acts of someone who loves, and this is what we should be doing for ourselves.

We should be supporting and caring for ourselves when we’re weak and wounded. Imagine treating yourself this way in the same situation? Hard to imagine, isn’t it? Which is exactly why reclaiming self-love isn’t as easy as it seems,. But thinking of ourselves as a dear friend, family member, child, or twin can be exactly the perspective shift we need and can make self-love much easier.

How would your ideal spouse/friend/parent treat you? Talk to you? Odds are, your closest friends and family treat you much kinder than you treat yourself. When you self-flagellate, they comfort and encourage. When you have no faith in yourself, they cheer you on. They are the pick-me-up you need. Self-love is the radical idea that you can be this person for yourself. It means wrapping yourself in a blanket after a bad day, not chastising yourself for not completing every task. The important part is noticing the shift in attitude towards yourself and your situation. It’s not just about having a glass of wine or indulging in a shopping trip, and it’s not about bullshitting yourself with fake support. It’s about changing your perspective, even for a few seconds, so you truly feel better.

You Have the Power

Self-love may not be instinctive, but that doesn’t mean it has be be difficult. Nowadays, the self-love and self-care (they are different) movements are in full-swing and unlikely to simmer anytime soon. It’s the perfect time to explore this notion that’s taking the wellness industry and social media by storm. Reclaiming self-love is simply about loving yourself more (or at all). Love isn’t just spending money or indulging in food/alcohol/shopping. It is a feeling, expressed through patience, compassion, understanding, acceptance, humor, and encouragement. It’s being the ideal best friend, at all times is preferable, but when needed is more doable. When you feel your feet dragging, tears falling, or hope waning, it’s time to step up your self-love game. You’re in need. And as we both know, there is no loving father in outer-space ignoring you. It’s only you. You have the power right now. But if praying feels better, pray to your higher self. Ask yourself for comfort, guidance, peace. Mainly, ask for love. Or don’t ask- just talk, connect. Don’t pray to yourself to be better, to fix your problems, to determine an outcome. Instead remind yourself of your growth, how capable you are, and how everything will turn out okay in the end. Just be there for yourself. I truly believe if I’d known I could have been there for myself, I would never have felt abandoned or ignored as a child. And though I’m still learning this concept myself, I feel comforted knowing it’s an option.

All my life, I thought love had to be earned, and therefore, could be lost. If I did what god wanted, what church leaders wanted, I was worthy of love. If not, I wasn’t. My self-worth teeter-tottered so much in my youth, feeling lower than dirt one minute, and higher than the moon the next. Love had always been conditional. The greatest notion I am learning is that it actually isn’t. This isn’t to say people don’t fall out of love, or feelings don’t change. Of course this happens. But love doesn’t just disappear, it is allowed to fade. I’ve learned that love is a choice.

Self-Love is a Choice

We can love someone who doesn’t love us back, move on from an old relationship we thought would last until our dying days, or hold onto a child love long into old age, despite marriage or death. We either nurture these feelings, or we let them die. But it is a choice. It’s a choice to love your brother even though he crashed your car, just as it’s a choice to love yourself even though you didn’t get the job. People don’t earn our love, they simply have it or they don’t. We either choose to love them, despite the pain, or choose to let the love die, because of the pain. We’ve seen all types of love, some we might call unbelievable. That’s because it’s a choice. I am not trying to earn my love anymore, I’m simply choosing to give it. You will love what you want to love, and not what you don’t. I promise you’ll surprise yourself by realizing this great power.

Remember, dear friend, when all else fails, you always have yourself. You can either berate yourself, making yourself feel worse, or you can love and comfort yourself, making yourself feel better. No one understands your past, your feelings, your thoughts, your beliefs, like you do. It stands to reason the best person to have on your side, is you. Love is a miraculous feeling, and directing that love inward is beautiful and something to learn. Start today by being patient with yourself as you learn to show more love. For patience IS love.

Thank you for reading! Having trouble with this whole reclaiming self-love thing? Have tips to share with your fellow women? Be sure to leave them below or visit the forum to start a discussion!