Most women don’t like to be called a bitch. Understandable. This is not a flattering word, no matter where you trace its origins to. The term “bitch” is affixed to women who are seen as unreasonable, controlling, aggressive, or dominant. You know, exhibiting typically valued and/or highly tolerated male characteristics.

(You may be thinking, “Wait! I thought it was originally the name of a female dog.” And you’re right – but it was because of the “heat” a female dog went through. Bitch was used to denote high sexual desire, so not exactly a better definition.)

Yet the same term, but applied to a man, somehow means the opposite. To call a man a “bitch,” is to call him out for being cowardly, weak, or subordinate.

So which is it? Does bitch mean dominating or submissive? News flash: Neither. Bitch is given purely to control women and keep our “feminine” traits in the mud.

This goes for all sexist slurs. Do we have male equivalents for slut, whore, skank or bimbo? Nope. What about for cunt or pussy? Nope. Now we even have “Karen” – a specific woman’s name as an insult for women.

Even if we tried to use dick, bastard, even asshole, these terms are often applied to men and women, and none of them fixate on masculine or feminine characteristics. They all generically identify someone as simply being mean.

By comparison, all of the female slurs fixate on “feminine” characteristics (even when they aren’t feminine by nature) that our male-dominated society doesn’t value: softness, kindness, being sexual, opinionated, compassionate, etc. Society has even lumped regular undesirable traits into the feminine pile: weakness, stupidity, fearfulness, submissiveness, even giving up on something. We’re either cursed for being too female (slut!) or cursed for not being female enough (bitch!).

What. The. Hell.

So why are there no equivalent terms? For the same reason these terms came about in the first place: as a way for male-dominated society to continue to dominate. By villainizing feminine traits, shushing wives and daughters, and encouraging boys to stick to what boys do, a world has formed in which male qualities are valued, and feminine qualities aren’t.

When women don’t behave the way men want, they are given a name. It’s purely a way for us to be controlled. No woman wants to be a bitch! Even if we do disagree with our boss, we may not speak up. Even if we love that dress, we may not wear it. Women have grown to dictate their lives, from the food they eat to the clothes they wear to the words they say, according to the approval of men.

This has got to stop.

Why must women continue to hold back their thoughts, bite their tongues, and live according to the whims of every man in their life, but men aren’t doing the same? Is it because men so hardly behave outside of society’s expectations? Or is it because the society we live in was built by men and we’ve built-in excuses for them?

“Boys will be boys,” a phrase that’s been an excuse for everything from stealing cooling pies on window sills, to lifting girl’s dresses on playgrounds, to raping young women in alleys, to cheating on wives and more. Whatever the behavior seems to be, there is an excuse ready.

So where is our great get-out-of-jail-free card? Where is the, “Girls will be girls,” phrase? What? We don’t get one? So what behavior is acceptable of women? What mischief are we permitted to get into on the grounds that we are “just girls being girls?”

A phrase for us doesn’t exist. Instead, we have the opposite. An array of words and phrases meant to prevent women from being women, prevent girls from being girls. In fact, girls and women have been shoved into such tiny boxes that we’re squeezing out every bit of masculinity in them. Girls are not 100% female, just as boys are not 100% male. There are qualities of the feminine and masculine in us all. To punish a girl for playing in the mud or lecture a boy for playing with dolls is to discipline them for being fully human. Enough with the boxes, enough with the requirements, enough with the vilifying names. There are absolutely no traits or qualities that are strictly appropriate for only one gender.

If we value men speaking up, we must value women speaking up. She is not a bitch anymore than he is. If we allow men to show their skin and expect women not to harass them, we must allow women to show their skin and expect men not to harass them. If we allow a man to have multiple sexual partners, we must allow women to enjoy the same.

This language change won’t happen overnight, I know this. I’m still trying to find alternative words without the sexist slant. This is something that will take time, but simply recognizing the origins of these words is a start. Maybe a different insult comes to mind next time, and we shelve the sexist one.

Until then, I’m calling on women to embrace these slurs. We can’t make them stop using these words, but we can change their meaning, and therefore, take the words back. When we own these words, when we realize they are words spewed out of fear and anger and jealousy, they lose their negative power. Suddenly we hold all the cards.

So wear the slur like a badge of honor. Be the bitch.

The bitch gets respect, the bitch gets results, and the bitch is happy. The bitch may be treated more like a man because she is exhibiting “male” traits, leading down all sorts of roads. Assign new meanings to these hateful and sexist terms. When someone calls you a bitch, they’re calling you an uncontrollable woman with an opinion they disagree with. They’re calling you powerful and un-submissive. Hold your head high as you’re actively breaking the expectations of what a woman is expected to be.

I’m not saying be a mean person, I’m saying be you, even if that means pissing people off. The first bitch and first cunt were women who dared to go against the grain, who made men furious with their attitudes and opinions, and who didn’t back down when they were threatened. Men had no choice but to call them names since they couldn’t silence them. Be the woman men have to call names because they can’t deal with your many layers.

So when it happens, and we all know it will happen, because the world apparently still isn’t ready for women to have masculine qualities (or men to have feminine). And when it does, instead of letting it wound you and make you feel small, smile instead, and say, “Thank you.” Take it as a compliment. You are seen as strong, and possibly a threat. Good. You are.

My name is Shelby and I’m proud to be a bitch.