And why society (and organized religion) don’t want me to

Once upon a time I had a perfectly explainable (and predictable) life. I knew where I came from, and what would happen when I died. I knew what values to have, how to dress, what to eat, and how to see myself and others. I also had a specific purpose, which was to have children and be the best mother and wife I could be. That’s the purpose of all women within religion, doncha know?

Whether I liked it was beside the point, this was my purpose. I planned my future with certainty, my goals and intentions already laid out, no questioning or fretting required. Having a purpose, even if I didn’t choose or agree with it, unknowingly brought me comfort.

I didn’t expect that comfort to fly out the window when I decided to leave organized religion. But once I left, I was, for the first time, allowed to honestly ask myself if I wanted children. To my shock – I didn’t. And for a while I reveled in my newfound freedom and endless possibilities.

Until I started to feel like I was wandering aimlessly. Now if no one had told me my purpose was to procreate, I might not have felt like I was wandering. But because religion, society, and my family, had made me believe my one value, the sole benefit to being a woman, was my ability to have children, I began to feel like anything I was doing wasn’t enough. What was my purpose now? Did I even have one?

I had no idea that by leaving religion AND choosing not to have children, I would utterly shatter my understanding of “purpose” (among other things). But I’m grateful for this. By shattering my instilled understanding of “purpose,” I am now able to define this word for myself, even question the idea entirely. And I’ve realized something so obvious, I’m sad I only now “know” it.

Animals don’t have a purpose. Humans are animals…I am an animal. This is something I wasn’t allowed to see in religion, but now see very clearly. The faster I see myself as a lifeform just like any other on this chaotic planet, I realized I don’t have a purpose. Better yet, I don’t need one. No other animal believes its “purpose” is to reproduce. It’s a function of life, yes. It’s a job only someone/thing with a uterus can do (with the exception of seahorses), yes. However, when did something you can do turn into something you’re meant to do? And does it not take two to tango? Why is it only the woman’s “purpose?”

Control, my dear. Pure and simple control.

The preservation of the “ideal” nuclear family with mother in the kitchen and father at the office is a social arrangement that supports religion’s positioning of man as the leader of the house and the woman as his silent baby-making, dinner-cooking, house-cleaning helper. Break that, and the whole thing crumbles. But keep the women believing this is our place, our God-given-blessing, and we probably won’t rise up and seek fulfillment outside the house. If you believe you have a purpose, do you go outside looking for other activities and callings? Certainly not. If you believe your greatest strength and value lies in the ability to do something completely automatic in nature, why push yourself to explore your true strengths?

Religion and male-dominated society want women to believe that our greatest honor in this world is the fact that we are women. And according to them, being a “woman” means we can/must/absolutely should have children, because what else would we do with ourselves? I can’t think of anything more insulting, and yet, we allow these damaging beliefs to be perpetuated.

Giving birth and raising children is not a woman’s purpose, it’s an option. So long as women continue to buy into this “purpose,” we will never see it as anything but (and no will anyone else). Don’t get me wrong – this is NOT an easy belief to drop, no matter how many times you remind yourself. Society and religion will tell you the opposite over and over.

So on days where my lack of “certainty” plunges me into despair, and I again fret about my “purpose,” I remind myself that I am no different from any other life form. No different from the fly on the screen, nor the tree outside my window, nor the dog sleeping at my feet. None of which have a “purpose” outside their natural existence. And I can take a breath.

Everything we do as humans- consuming, connecting, moving, inventing, exploring, etc.- happens naturally. This is just what humans do. These things are not our purpose, however. There is only a “purpose” if someone gave us one, and that’s because we provide a purpose to them.

The purpose of life is to live, pure and simple. To experience, discover, create! It’s the perfectly brewed tea, the toe-curling back scratch, the sunset that stops you in your tracks, the puppy kisses in the morning, and the waterfall misting your cheeks. There is no purpose to any of those things, but their value is easily apparent. And as a complex human being, I would be silly to think I have any more defined purpose in this world than the naked mole rat does. We are both already fulfilling our “purpose” each and every day simply by being.

You’re still here? Were you hoping for better advice? “Just live” is a bit too simple for me sometimes as well, even though that’s how it ought to be. But if you are still searching for meaning and direction, I suggest looking inward. I like to think I have many potential “purposes”, even though I don’t need to fulfill all of them. These “purposes,” are really just unique qualities to me. Some might call them “gifts.” These may be a skill, a character trait, a natural ability, a deep passion, or simply having a knack for something. You are a unique person with unique gifts to offer the world. And odds are, you have more than one. Try not to get hung up on having a “purpose” like I did. It can destroy your confidence, stifle your motivation, and fill you with self-doubt.

Why? Because it’s like trying to find the solution to a problem that doesn’t have one. I was trying to find my one purpose, instead of accepting that I just might have many or happily none at all. And in understanding this I could breathe because having no purpose is the greatest gift you can give yourself. No one is expecting anything from you, except for what you interpret in your head. Accept your purposeless life, because when you do, you’ll experience a deep sense of peace. I’m not promising you won’t have occasional bouts of anxiety as you wonder about your career or impact in this world, but you can easily remind yourself that you are exactly where you need to be. You are doing it “right” and are fulfilling all the purpose you ever had.