It was my first romance book from the library that ignited me for the first time. I must have been fifteen or so. I didn’t know what the strange but addictive gnawing in my belly was. I read the story, the dirty, detailed descriptions. I raced through dinner so I could come back to my smutty book. It stayed a gnawing, for I didn’t know what the feeling was, let alone how to relieve it. A few years later, up late working on some AP English assignment, and I leaned forward just a little too far in my office chair. What the hell was that? It felt good, but foreign.

Yes, to say I discovered my sexuality late in life is an understatement. But I don’t blame myself. When it comes to sexual pleasure, since the dawn of religion, women’s needs have gone unspoken and unnoticed. The female orgasm? The mysterious G spot? Myths. As more and more time passed, and the holy books condemned flagrant sexuality (especially women’s) we as humans lost contact with the female body and its explosive sexuality. I’m here to point the finger at religion, share my experiences, and help you cum to terms with your own sexuality. See what I did there?

No one ever talked about women’s orgasms. It was as though they didn’t exist, or if they did, it was somehow dirtier and less acceptable than a man’s. I was never taught to explore myself to discover what I liked. What I liked wasn’t even a question. Sex was for making babies and my body was only to be seen right before the act of making said babies. Porn was banned, explicit literature (like my smutty book) frowned upon, and even sexy movies left me guilt-ridden. Not only did I not know what my options were when it came to pleasing myself, I had no concept of sexual satisfaction from the female perspective. It’s this disconnect that left me confused and shameful, even on my wedding night.

While we were supposed to wait until the wedding night to consummate the marriage (really, religion??), thankfully my husband and I were thinking rationally. We weren’t going to have an unpleasant wedding night. And simply because of that, we were made to feel shame the day of our church wedding. But even before that, I was made to feel like a whore simply because I’d been with another man. I was still a virgin, mind you. But that is how strictly religion holds women’s virtue. I was officially “a licked cupcake”, even though I’d never had sex or even an orgasm. If I was already going to be seen as a whore, I might as well enjoy my wedding night.

Yet even with our pre-marital activities, I didn’t think orgasms could happen during sex or though anything but manual stimulation. I was wrong. So very, very, blissfully wrong.

Now, after being married for 12 years, my understanding has grown. Bit by bit, I discovered not only was my body sexual, but that I deserved satisfaction. I am discovering what I like and don’t like. The word orgasm is no longer a dirty word, and pre-marital sex does not make you a dirty whore. In fact I’m convinced that the female orgasm must occur before penetration if the sex is to be any good at all. There is a biological reason women should literally cum first (unless you’re into lube, but talk about messy).

While I am now able to watch porn without squirming (much-talk about after-school-special acting), I find myself wishing for more reality and less at the same time. It’s definitely not an industry catered to women (yet), but it is not one that necessarily excludes them. I believe if religion didn’t dominate so much of our society, porn would be a much wider industry with a much higher acceptance rate, and would cater much more to women’s fantasies. Why should sex be hidden, if everyone is fine with it? Why can’t we talk about sex if there’s nothing to be ashamed of? Why can’t women talk about orgasms just as openly as men? Why can’t we assume women need to orgasm as frequently as a man?

As I continue to navigate these rough waters, rationalizing my upbringing and antiquated beliefs with my actual experiences and new open mind, I still find myself getting knocked back to shore. I still feel weird telling my husband what I want in bed. I still feel uneasy in sexy lingerie. I worry if I’m taking too long, don’t look pretty enough, or aren’t acting sexy enough. But every time I voice my preferences, take charge, and feel confident, all of those worries go out the window. It’s definitely a two steps forward one step back kind of thing. I still catch myself judging women for owning their sexuality or expressing their carnal desires.

But every day is a day to grow. Every day is a chance to reframe the way I view my sexuality. If you’re still struggling to accept that you deserve orgasms, remind yourself you are just like every other life form. If monkeys, elephants, porcupines, squirrels, horses, dogs and cats, turtles, even birds, can masturbate without shame, why not you? It isn’t something shameful or restricted to males only. Find out what you like, and if you have someone in your life to share it with, be brave enough to tell them. You are the conductor, the maestro, the coach.

Discovering your body is the most natural thing in the world. If we can slowly but surely peel back the thick layer of shame our religion has coated us with, true sexual –true human– pleasure, is waiting. Orgasm is not a dirty word, but it doesn’t hurt getting a little dirty to have one. So push play on that intriguing porno, crack open that sexy book, or explore that office chair. There is no wrong way to do it. The only wrong way to have an orgasm is to not try. And remember, climaxing is great, but it’s not the only goal. Explore yourself like a lover first. The leg-shaking O’s come after you’re comfortable with yourself.

Let’s talk sex, sexual shame, and everything in between! Head to the comments to offer comfort, advice & tips, your story, or just peek around to realize you aren’t alone. Community starts here. We get you. You’re a sexy being and there is no shame here.