Religion teaches women that being accommodating, agreeable, and easy to work with are respectable traits. What they forget to tell you, is how these are traits encouraged in mainly women because they want women to be the people-pleasing good girls their religious texts promised them. They want us to be doormats, always putting other’s needs above our own, with the impossible belief, that doing so will make us more loveable or saintly. As a result, most women in religion have no boundaries, let alone healthy ones. So once they leave, setting healthy boundaries can feel like an impossible task. We feel guilty, selfish, etc. That’s how they want us to feel. Yet, not having boundaries does not make us loveable or happy. It makes us doormats.

Setting healthy boundaries didn’t use to have the weight that it has today. When I used to consider what it meant to set boundaries, I thought I had to be the bad guy. I had to set boundaries with boys, but it was the boundary my church had set for me. That was it. I didn’t get to set my own boundaries, so I never truly understood their importance. I never learned that I needed to set boundaries with everyone. Strangers. My mother. My friends. Work associates and bosses. Everyone.

Boundaries Are Meant to Protect

It can be difficult to set healthy boundaries when we aren’t quiet clear on what that specifically means. Boundaries don’t denote the last line of defense before someone breaches the inner city. Boundaries are supposed to be the farthest outer gates, erected to ensure we maintain our inner peace.

But in organized religion, boundaries aren’t really a thing, unless, as mentioned, it had to do with getting physical. We had no idea that we were being stomped over, taken for granted, and pushed beyond our limits. They didn’t want us to know we could have boundaries. So they took, and took, and took, and sadly, we gave, and gave, and gave.

My sex life deserved to be discussed with strangers, my purity an open topic for discussion. Church callings were put upon me, with no opportunity for refusal. I was told which girls to pursue for friends, and how to treat others outside the fold. It was up to others to decide how I dressed, what I was permitted to eat, who I was allowed to marry, how I could spend my time, and on and on it went. Boundaries? Humph. What were those?

Women in religion are never expected to say ‘no’. Which is why we found ourselves agreeing to everything – teaching church classes, baking cookies for the boy scouts, singing or playing in sacrament meeting, doing the dishes at the ward party, babysitting last minute, taking the lead on volunteer efforts, etc. If we said yes, it earned us love. It may have earned us praise and admiration, but ultimately, it was just expected of us. Now that we’ve left these controlling religions, it can be extremely difficult to know how to establish and then hold to these boundaries.

Setting (And Sticking to) Boundaries Is A Skill We Can Develop

Fear not, it’s a learning process. Over time, your confidence in setting healthy boundaries will strengthen. You’ll be saying ‘no’ as frequently as you say ‘yes’ and not at all feeling guilty. You’ll be doing things like excusing yourself from groups who you find draining, turning down assignments or requests that you can’t reasonably do (or simply don’t want to do), and speaking up for your needs as they arise instead of letting your concerns fester. It’s a gradual process, one you’ll notice over time and in subtle ways that will rock you with impact in the moment. I can’t express how good it feels to say “no” for the first time. You’ll notice because you’ll be flooded with confidence, empowerment, gratitude, relief, and self-love.

When setting boundaries, you simply must decide what you are willing to tolerate and what you aren’t. Then act on it. Consistently. Sounds easy enough. And as with most things, setting boundaries is something that gets easier as we do it. It simply starts with the first boundary. When considering what healthy boundaries you’d like to set, consider your daily life. What do you often say ‘yes’ to that you wish you could say ‘no’ to? What do you dread doing/happening, that happens often? When do you feel like you’re biting your tongue instead of speaking up for your needs? When do you feel you are being taken advantage of or taken for granted? What is a need you ignore, but often think about? These are all signs that a boundary is being crossed and a great opportunity to examine the situation.

Boundaries Are A Form of Self-Care

Essentially, setting healthy boundaries means voicing your truth, your concerns, your needs. Without apology. We don’t concern ourselves with how others react to our boundaries. If someone pushes you, you may stand firm, or determine how much you will give. The important part is that you make a conscious decision. You determine where your boundaries lie.

If you say yes, you say yes because you want to on some level. This could mean doing something for someone else, but even when granting favors, we can still have healthy boundaries. Giving yourself time and resources to do the favor, for example. If you say yes, it’s not because you believe you are expected to say yes. You don’t hurt on some level after saying yes. If you do, odds are, you’ve disrespected a boundary. Begin to listen to your body in the coming weeks to notice this shift. See if you can notice how you feel when obliging someone, compared to when you put your own needs first.

Step one is simply recognizing what it feels like to have and respect your boundaries. After that, you’ll know exactly when the opportunity comes up how you want to act to respect those boundaries. I promise: once you feel the pride, you’ll never want to go back to being a doormat.

To get the most out of these messages, I invite you to join the next live circle, happening every Sunday! Come reclaim healthy boundaries after religion, along with so much more.