As a woman who has left religion, learning to let go of control has been one of my biggest challenges yet. I grew up with the Mormon God, and the Mormon God had a big list of rules to follow if you wanted to ascend to the highest kingdom. While a member, I was constantly monitoring my words, my actions, my friendships, my clothes, my studies, everything. I had to maintain control. I had to be perfect. No one would describe me as someone who went with “the flow.”

How much “control” did we really have in religion?

The level of control you’ve tried to maintain your whole life will vary based on your unique upbringing and particular religion. Most organized religions teach that God is all-knowing, all-powerful, and omniscient, though each religion adjusts how much power their God has. Some Gods know what we’ll do before we do it! Some don’t, and try to influence us, while competing with some malevolent force equally intent on influencing our decisions.

Regardless of how in control you were told your God was, you likely grew up believing he was the one holding the reigns in your life. If something bad happened, you likely deserved it, or it was a blessing in disguise, but always, ALWAYS part of God’s will. If something good happened, same thing. In a way, this is a way of trusting that whatever happens, happens for a good reason. But essentially, feeling like we had no real control, while simultaneously feeling responsible for whatever happened, as though we actually were in control.

Control is an illusion, in and outside religion

In religion and in life, we are taught to be responsible for whatever happens, regardless of the multitude of lives we intersect with every day. But in religion, we had to always doubt our misfortune as being something we brought upon ourselves, never considering the multitude of lives truly involved in our particular circumstance. We had to monitor our actions like a General, stamping out any weakness. We had to be strong, follow the rules, and trust that if we did, God would provide and everything would be wonderful.

So we strived for subtle control, always thinking of heaven. Our future was ours to control, our children ours to influence, our life completely designed by us, so long as we followed God’s teachings and contributed to our particular religion’s growth. If we followed the rules and stayed on our guard, we would be happy because God would bless us.

Control = certainty = happiness

What a mind trap!

There is no certainty. It’s an illusion. We can no more predict what will happen tomorrow, than what will happen when we die. Therefore control is an illusion as well. We may have a plan, but then anything from the weather to another human being foils our plans. We set intentions, only to be thrown onto a different track.

Even with “God’s will” trumping supposedly everything, and us having zero control over the lives and situations going on around us, we were to remain ever vigilante. Against the pot-smoking friend, the party with alcohol, the low-cut prom dress, etc. We were God’s warriors, his chosen, the ones who knew how to behave. So giving into our instincts, our desires, our urges or cravings, simply wasn’t an option.

Yet it didn’t matter how much control we thought we had, the world would slap us around as much as it pleased. We stumbled, failed, made a mess of things over and over again. That’s because we couldn’t control everyone and everything around us. And trying to control our entire existence is a recipe for madness and misery.

We actually control very little

Religion taught that with enough faith, and hard work, anything was possible. This, sadly, just isn’t true. Now that we’ve replaced God with Source, we can of course still put positive thoughts into the universe, hoping we may call something towards us, there is no harm there. But all the positive thoughts in the world, all the hard work you can muster, won’t guarantee our success. Why? Because we can’t control others. We can’t control our environment always. We can’t control how we were raised. We can only attempt to control how we react, and even then, only after fully understanding why we react the way we do.

This is what we face after leaving religion. The opportunity to loosen our grip on the future, on others, on ourselves. By clinging to certainty, we are missing out on the beauty of life. By clutching the future we hope to have in our palms, we are closing ourselves off from surprising and perfect opportunities. Trying to be in control is actually making us miserable. Even after we’ve left religion.

There is no need for control after religion

End the need for control, because there is no sin. There is no right or wrong. There is no weak or strong. There are no more rules for salvation. You can only do so much to influence your life, there are so many other factors at play. It’s not just on you to get the job. To find a partner. To achieve your dreams. The universe has to want to play ball.

So the goal now is to let that control go. This is different from letting “Jesus take the wheel” and not influencing your life at all because you believe an omnipotent sky daddy will take care of things, but there is a level of surrender involved. It is less about giving up the control you had, and more about realizing that the more control we seek to have, the less we leave ourselves open to surprise, luck, and opportunity.

This week, make an effort to release some of that control, loosen your grip on your daily life, on yourself. Maybe don’t plan your entire week or day, leaving time open for the unexpected. If an unexpected but positive/interesting opportunity presents itself, take it! If you feel called to do something off schedule, do it! This is a fantastic way of listening to your intuition, while allowing yourself to be in flow with the universe. Wonderful things can happen if we just let go of our need to control. Give it a try. And if you’re struggling, know that you aren’t alone. One day at a time.

If you’d like to discuss topics like this live with a group of like-minded women**, I invite you to join the next live circle, happening every Sunday! Come reclaim your ability to let go after religion, along with so much more.**