Humans are nothing, if not impatient. Our world has given us things instantly, and so we’ve come to demand instant satisfaction and instant progress. Anyone who has experienced a drastic shift in mindset knows the struggle of expecting the rest of your life to magically shift with it.

We decide we want to eat healthier, then expect ourselves to instantly stop eating all junk food and begin cooking all of our meals from scratch. If we hope to lose weight, we want it to fall off instantly, and we find ourselves checking the scales daily, even knowing what we know about all the fluctuations that can be caused by water weight, times of the day, hormones, etc. When we choose to pursue a new avenue for work, we want the change to happen now. We want to start a new hobby, such as painting, and become irritated when we aren’t recreating Van Goghs by week’s end. Whatever change, and especially if it’s one that will bring us more happiness, health, or wealth, we want it to change now. We’ve forgotten to appreciate the work, forgotten how long it takes for true growth, change, and proficiency.

As women who have left religion, it can be immensely frustrating to see yourself falling into old ways of thinking, unhelpful behaviors, and letting religious programming hold us back. We know better dammnit, so why aren’t we acting better? The truth is, we are. It’s just taking a little time.

Growth After Religion Takes Time

Every time we catch our programming, question our beliefs, and correct a behavior, we are strengthening that new belief or behavior. After all, if we thought and acted one way for ten, twenty, thirty years, why wouldn’t we give ourselves just as much time to learn new ways of thinking and behaving? The difference is, for many of us, our ways of being in the world, from the thoughts we think about ourselves and others, to the activities we value and develop, to the things in life we prioritize, have been instilled into us as children. We didn’t choose them, someone chose them for us. And that was the right way to be, to think. Now we must question our “truth” by doing what often feels uncomfortable, difficult, even foreign. The worst thing is to expect this massive shift in being to happen overnight, in a year, even ten years.

What we must remember is that it is a gradual change. We want instant and we want complete, but that’s just not the way this works. 47% of our day we spend on autopilot- that means thinking the same thoughts & doing the same things. Think about how strong a thought has to be for it to be recurring on autopilot. Now imagine how long it’s going to take for our new healthier thoughts to come automatically. A long time.

You’ve Grown More Than You Think

Is slow growth frustrating? You bet it is. We left religion, so we want to think differently, act differently, be different. We want to emerge as that phoenix immediately, never again doubting our self-worth, quieting our voice, playing small, putting others always first, or believing there is one right way to live. I completely understand and I’m right there with you, Sis. I want to be transformed now. I want to be this new religious-free, sovereign woman who loves her self inexplicitly, who values play and rest just as much as work, who loves her body and embraces her sexuality without apology. But I’m not yet.

I am, however, becoming her. And so are you.

A little bit every day, every week, every year. It’s going to be subtle, not the burst into flames, instant transformation we hope for, but the small, steady, hardly noticeable regrowth like that of our forests returning each year. The changes may be so subtle we may not even notice. But those around us will. And there will come a time when we least expect it where we will notice it too. We’ll shock ourselves with how much we’ve changed. We’ll suddenly realize the strength behind our voice, how often we lean on our intuition, how we have been resting or playing without guilt, how we’re living less fearfully, how open-minded and accepting we’ve become of others, how instinctual it’s become to sit with our emotions instead of suffocating them, how we’ve honored our sexuality, and on and on the small yet profound changes will be noticed.

We’re Transforming Without Realizing It

We just need to be patient. A watched pot never boils. We know we’re doing the necessary work day-to-day. We’re going to circle, processing our trauma, meeting new people, pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones, and digging deep into the very center of our soul to discover who we really are. Maybe we’re playing with tarot to strengthen our intuition. Perhaps we’ve gone on retreats to reconnect with the divine feminine or bought new sexy lingerie to fall in love with our bodies. Maybe we’ve gone back to school or changed career trajectories to one that more aligns with our true desires. Could be that we’ve given more helpful, enlightened advice than we’ve even realized to the ones who really needed it. We don’t notice all these efforts in the moment because they feel too natural, or we do, because they feel so unnatural. Either way, we aren’t noticing the growth happening beneath the surface.

Patience Truly Is A Virtue

So be patient, Sis. You’re doing as impeccably as anyone can do who’s had your life experiences. You’re choosing to go uphill, choosing the harder path because you know the reward will be sweeter. So let yourself slip a few times. Let yourself take a break. Let yourself sweat, moan, and cry. Transforming yourself is immensely hard work. Listening to yourself, undoing programming, and healing from trauma is fucking hard. That’s why most people don’t do it. But you’re doing it. You chose to do it. So give yourself the time you need to let it take effect. Be patient, and be certain that you will wake up one day and notice all the new feathers you’ve grown. You will wake up one day and weep tears of joy for how far you’ve come.

But for now, be patient. For this is a form of self-love, and after all, that’s one of the things we’re all about now. Anytime you’re feeling anxious, feeling like you aren’t changing fast enough, breathe, and tell yourself you love yourself. I guarantee, if you truly feel them, you’ll recognize how much you’ve transformed just by uttering those words.

To get the most out of these messages, I invite you to join the next live circle, happening every Sunday! Come reclaim patience with yourself after religion, along with so much more.