Humans have always gotten pleasure out of being right. Whether it’s an argument over which actress played that one role in that one movie, or which was the correct exit to take, there is something we relish in being correct. On the flipside, there is also much fear in being wrong. We don’t want to misspeak, make a mistake, or be on the wrong side of an argument. Why is this? Why do we care about being right and fear being wrong?

Being Right Means Being Accepted

One guess is the social implications. If we’re right, and others notice, we feel pride, acceptance, safety. If wrong, we feel embarrassment, rejection, unsafe. And so we strive to always be right and avoid being wrong. This even leads to humans lying to each other, and even themselves.

So when people started writing books they claimed were inspired by God, well all bets were off. That was the most “right” you could be! There it was, all written down in a book. Everything that was right to do, and everything that was wrong to do. Humans no longer had to fret about their choices, someone had made them for them. And we were very eager to believe them. So eager, that even when changes were made to these books, when prophets contradicted themselves or changed their minds, we happily accepted the changes. We even accepted the changes when the laws of the land forced the hands of these religions, therefore knowing the change wasn’t inspired by God. It didn’t matter. Once the book was changed, that was the new rule. And so long as we followed the rule, we were in the right, and therefore deserving of admiration, of acceptance, of safety.

Being Wrong Means Being Rejected

For women in religion, doing it “right” often meant the suffocation of her very soul. To be a good woman in organized religion, one must be quiet, cover herself, not be sexually active until marriage, focus on procreating and caring for her family, and other self-minimizing behaviors. Perhaps the right choice was to be a stay-at-home wife/mother, to keep her body free of tattoos or piercings, or to give birth no matter the circumstances. Perhaps it was wrong to make eye contact, voice her own opinions, disagree with men, or choose her own lover. If not, we were the temptresses, pitiable, loud, shameful, lost, and full of sin. And if a woman was unfortunate enough to grow up in such a religion, this is the only life she has ever known.

This type of black-and-white thinking doesn’t simply go away when we leave religion. Neither does the fear of being wrong. The fear of punishment. The fear of rejection if we go against the crowd, if we trust ourselves. Yet what we need to realize is that fear is all it is. It’s not real. It’s an emotion based off an assumption. As young women, we feared rejection, punishment, or death if we chose wrong. Yet God never smote us, despite any “wrong” choices we made. Only man divvied his punishment or rejection. And only man made these “rights” and “wrongs” which just so happen to coincide with the perfect life they would like to live.

We Knew “Right”, Yet Willingly Chose “Wrong”

At some point, we realized this and chose to go down the “wrong” path of apostate hood. We recognized it as simply fear-mongering and a way to control people, especially women. It wasn’t real. And therefore, there was no “right” or “wrong.”

Yet now that we’ve walked away from, or have decided to to walk away from, our high-demand religions, we still often suffer these fears, shadows of our past selves. These fear shadows have yet to have the light of truth cast upon them, so they haunt us in moments of decision-making. Because we forget. We forget that we no longer fear hell, we know it’s not real. We no longer fear punishment from bogus church leaders or a make-believe God. No longer must we go along with the crowd, because we’ve recognized that crowd as harmful.

We Chose Ourselves

And so- we can choose to live fearlessly after religion. For what need does fear have now? What are we fearing? Is there a right or wrong choice? Not anymore. Is there a community we risk isolation from? Nope. Take away these fears, and suddenly your life opens up. You are free to choose whatever makes you happy, knowing that whatever you choose, is the right choice because you made it for yourself. Knowing that anything you choose can be the right choice if you make it so. You finally get to determine how to live, casting off the judgements of others. You made the fearless choice to leave religion in the first place. You decided for yourself that it was the right choice. And it was.

Now you get to make that same judgement about everything else in your life. View it with an open mind, consider all your options equally, and choose based on what calls to you, knowing there is no “right” or “wrong.” Unless someone is getting hurt, you can never do life wrong. It’s a made-up concept meant to control. We’ll never truly know what is the “right” or “wrong” choice about anything we do in life. Ever. It’s all what we make it. You know this because what is “right” for one person is absolutely “wrong” for another. It’s completely relative. So whether it’s choosing your pizza toppings, deciding on what book to read or course to study, determining which job offer to take, or picking a new form of meditation, above all else, make your choice fearlessly. Make it for yourself, stand by it, and you can’t be wrong.

You’ve got the soul of a phoenix, sister. You’ve burned yourself and all you’ve ever known because your old wings didn’t fit right anymore. You chose yourself, which is always right. I can’t imagine anything more fearless than that.

To get the most out of these messages, I invite you to join the next live circle, happening every Sunday! Come reclaim courage after religion, along with so much more.