I have been out of Mormonism for a few years. Long enough that I can laugh at who I was as a member, not so long that I have recovered from the brainwashing. I wish I could tell you that once you leave a cult, the brainwashing goes too. I wish I could say it’s effortless to build self-worth. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case.

The world, perspectives, ideas, and knowledge we were born into or exposed to at a young age understandably makes a lasting impression. For myself, ideas that I continue to struggle with since leaving religion are scattered throughout this blog. At the top of the list lies my self-worth. Anyone who has grown up in religion, especially as a woman, knows how small religion wants you to feel. According to many, we are already sinners upon being born. How do you like that? Before you’re even eating solid foods, someone is calling you a sinner and marking the day on the calendar when you can be dunked in water and “saved.” But baptism isn’t enough. There are rules and requirements until the day you die. Whichever religion you came from, your book, like my books, are full of rules and requirements to be enough. There is always more to do.

You are Never Enough in Religion

My endless quest to be enough started before I even realized it. As a child I was obsessed with getting straight A’s. I also set my eyes firmly on Ivy League schools early on, despite having no money. As a student, there was always something more to do. When school ended, with no scholarship to my Ivy League, and no real plan, my whole universe shifted. How could I be enough, now? How could I build my self-worth? I completed the Young Women’s church program, “graduated” Seminary (school church), got accepted into college, even wrote a fiction book. Not enough. A year after graduating, I got married, my “worth” meter filling a little. I was a wife. One of two items on my Good Mormon Wife list was complete. The next item was having children, which I was absolutely not ready for. So I planned. I had Pinterest boards all about being the best mother and giving my baby the best. I made homemade burp clothes, pinned baby food recipes, researched cloth diapering, and seriously considered homeschooling. I was ready to be the best damn mother I could be. Why? Because if I were a good mother, I’d be more worthy. Being a mother would mean I was enough. I would be able to rest.

Years passed, my Pinterest boards growing, while I waited for the exact right time to have kids. In the meantime, my worth meter was sinking. So I threw myself into various career and education programs, hobbies, projects, anything to increase my worth, to feel like I was enough. I knew I couldn’t really start a career if I was going to be a stay-at-home mom, so I puttered and planned. More years passed until the day I had a revelation. What if…what if I didn’t have kids?

While this idea cracked open my world, I had no idea it would rocket me into orbit without a tether. If I wasn’t going to be a mother, then I’d better do something else to be enough. The frantic search for the best job had begun. Impatience coupled with perfectionism is a horrible combination, in case you didn’t know. I was in a hurry to make something of myself fast. Sadly, this hasn’t changed even though I’m out of religion. I’m still floating in orbit, wondering daily about things that don’t matter so I can feel “enough,” they just aren’t religious values. I’ll be worth more if I have a big, booming business- because I’m childfree, what else will people expect? I’ll be enough if I can get traditionally published- because anyone can self-publish, that’s not impressive. I’ll be worthy of love if I have the perfect diet- because my health can always be better. I’ll finally be enough when I nail down a spiritual practice- because how are these racing thoughts okay?

And on and on the thoughts go. With each new idea to raise my worth, my worth meter actually dips lower. Instead of boosting myself, I’m the one kicking myself to be more. I’m the one telling myself that what I am, what I’ve done, what I have, how I look, and what I eat, isn’t good enough. Yes. Me. So how do you build self-worth when you’re unconsciously the one tearing it down?

I Look Deep Within

Don’t go, now. I know that sounds like I’m pointing the finger, but I’ve got good news! While I’m evidently the bad guy, acknowledging that is only the first step. The second step is understanding how I became my own worst enemy. I didn’t put these overarching beliefs in my head. I wasn’t the first person to tell myself I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t the first to comment on my worth. That lies solely with the Mormon church leaders, my parents, even teachers. If those last two shocked you, take a moment to ponder your own. My own father chastised my butter allotment when I was seven or so using the word “fat”, while my mother suggested I wear makeup and dress more feminine at around twelve despite my obvious tomboy personality.

If my adult self had been standing beside my child self, I’d have instantly responded by telling them to fuck off. I would have taken my hand and lead myself away to immediately adjust the damage done by careless, critical comments. I’d have told myself I was beautiful as I was. I am a tomboy and am not considered naturally “skinny”, and this is perfectly fine. Yet, I am still trying to feel enough the way I am. I have become critical of my weight and diet, and though I don’t wear makeup daily, I still have days when I see my makeup bag and consider going back to it so I feel pretty. So I feel worthy.

If damaged or stunted as children, it can take time to build self-worth. Most children suffer from self-worth issues that haunt them into adulthood, affecting the jobs they take, the people they marry, the cars they drive, the houses they buy, the food they eat, the clothes they wear: everything. So yes, I’m talking to you, dear reader. Don’t hide from low self-worth. Acknowledge it, understand its origins, then embrace yourself as you would a child. You are embracing your child self that didn’t get enough love. As children, we listened to the critiques, we took advice, and we internalized judgments, letting them reflect negatively back on us and infuse hesitation into our once natural inclinations. As adults, we no longer need the love of our parents, teachers, church leaders, or gods, to be safe. Why?

We Are Adults

Because we are the adults now, and we ensure our own safety. We can give the love freely, no strings attached. We have the power to correct the travesty done to us. I don’t mean correct it by trying to be perfect: that is the opposite of correcting it. You have the power to drop the expectations and demands, to let go of the perfectionism, to stop trying. You have the power, right now, in this moment, to be enough. Whether you believe yourself, is another matter. This takes time. I have been trying for a while and I’d judge that I’ll have to work on this for many years to come. But even saying the word “work” is essentially still saying I’m not enough. I have to “work” to remember that I’m enough. Ha! Gotta love those ingrained beliefs.

Above all, remember there is no right way to undo brainwashing, recover from religion, or build your self-worth. It’s also unlikely to come easy, though it sounds it.

For myself, I’m trying to remind myself daily with a simple mantra: I am enough and I’m okay. I have to add the “okay” part because I have begun to suffer anxiety when I have to fill spare time. My brain goes into hyper-drive trying to determine which activity will boost my self-worth the most, what is the “best” thing to do. Worth issues, perfectionism, and being a child-free woman combine into the perfect trifecta of self-doubt. Your religious side-effects may be different, but try to understand that the way you think (about yourself, others, the world) wasn’t chosen by you, it was forced upon you from another. And while it isn’t easy (fast) to overcome, it can be changed.

Find the Words to Build Self-Worth

Find the words your child self needed to hear, and tell yourself them as often as possible. I’ll get it started. You are enough. You don’t need to do more. You don’t need to be more. You don’t need to cover up. You are perfect, exactly as you are. We are living outside the book, and that means outside the list of requirements to be worthy. Simply being is enough! If you want to feel worthy, giver yourself permission to feel worthy.

Struggling with self-worth? How do you help yourself when you get stuck in these unhelpful thoughts? What would you tell your child self? Share in the comments!