“You’re doing it wrong.”- “You shouldn’t do that.” -“That’s not the right way.”

How have you been told to choose the right? Whether from our parents, teachers, supervisors, even friends, we’ve all heard this type of comment. Their intentions are good. They see us performing an action that they believe should be done differently. Sometimes we listen, sometimes we don’t. Eventually, we discover that “right” is all a matter of opinion. If we ignore our friend/parent’s advice, we may be just fine. Because of that, we know we can take or leave their advice, even though they claim it to be “right”. Yet for some reason, when a religion tells us what is “right”, we trust it to be true. Why? Is it because these voices claim to speak for a God? Are we simply too scared to make our own choices because someone older than us told us there was a “right” and a “wrong” choice? Why do we give up our power and minds so easily, in favor of doing what is “right”?

What do I mean by “choose the right”?

For Mormons, to choose the right meant to follow every rule outlined by the LDS church. You were to choose the right friends to associate with, to choose the right clothes to wear, and choose the right food to eat. As a woman in the Mormon church, it meant also choosing the right clothes, choosing the right family plans, and choosing the right husband. It meant covering my body in places deemed “revealing”, such as my scandalous shoulder. It meant marrying early and having children. If I really wanted to do it right, I would stay home with the children too. I would also have visiting teaching duties, hold responsibilities in the ward, be worthy to take the sacrament (my “worth” rant here), and absolutely pay a full tithe ( 10% at least, for life). This was just a few examples from the rulebook I grew up with. Imagine my surprise when I learned about other religions’ guidelines on how to live “right”. Some religions require women to cover their face. Many allow alcohol and coffee, while others heartily embrace psychedelics for their spiritual benefits. Imagine my further surprise when I learned that the rules the Mormon church enforces now differ greatly from the rules at its inception. I have also come to learn this isn’t uncommon. Other religions, such as Mormonism, change their guidelines on what is “right” as frequently as the tides. While plural marriage was endorsed by the founders of the Mormon church, their behaviors are now forbidden. While African-Americans were denied a position in the church due to past prophet’s revelations, nowadays they are welcome. While the Mormon church flip-flops on their stances, and attempts to change with the times to remain popular or recover from backlash, other religions hold true to their original beliefs.

Which is “better?” To me, all this reveals how flawed and human organized religion truly is. Constantly changing or never changing? How can humans, members of religion, ever feel confident that they are choosing the “right”? What was right 60, 100, 300 years ago, is now wrong. What is right in one religion, is wrong in another. So how do you choose the “right” when it’s constantly changing or differs greatly from other religions which also claim to be from God?

I grew up singing a church primary song that went this little something like this: (apologies for any triggering)

“Choose the right when a choice is placed before you. In the right, the Holy Spirit guides, and its light is forever shining over you, when in the right your heart confides. Choose the right! Choose the right! Let wisdom mark the away before. In its light, choose the right! And God will bless you evermore. Choose the right!… There’s the right and wrong to every question… Choose the right! There’s safety for the soul.”

This song was written for primary children in the Mormon / LDS church. Children. Did you catch the promises which are interpreted as threats if the right isn’t chosen? The pressure that songs like this and other brainwashing methods placed on me was unbearable. Even after leaving Mormonism, my mind is still plagued with these words, convinced there is a “right” way of living. Because I was taught there was always a right and wrong, I never learned to see the gray in between. As an adult, I have discovered that there is far more gray than there is black and white. But when you are always searching for black or white, but all you see is gray, it’s impossible to feel confident. This simplified and dangerous belief causes long-term anxiety. To combat this anxiety, I have to ask myself the question “what if there isn’t a right choice?” on a daily basis to prevent myself from spiraling in indecision. An unfortunate aftereffect of growing up in religion.

How terrible it is to not have faith in yourself. How terrible to think there is a disembodied voice that has all the answers, if only you are righteous enough to hear it. How terrible to never feel confident in your actions because the rules are always changing. But this is what religions want. They want you to feel even more lost and confused than you already are. They wanted me to think there was a right way and I could be perfect. They wanted me to doubt my instincts, abilities, intelligence, and experience. I am now on the journey to restoring my faith in all of these. There is no right or wrong, there is only what is right or wrong for me in the moment. I can now look at all of these ridiculous requirements of religions, new or old, and see them as pathetic attempts to control, and nothing more. There is nothing “right” about shaming a woman for her body. There is nothing “right” about child brides, polygamy, or racism. There is nothing “right” about stoning, genital mutilation, tossing babies from windows, self-flagellation, or human sacrifice. And yet these beliefs and practices continue. I have learned that those who claim to know what is “right” are only trying to control you, and there is often a monetary reason behind it.

When I walked away from Mormonism, I walked towards myself. As I am learning to trust myself, I encourage you to do the same. Ask yourself, “what if there is no right choice?” every time you feel yourself doubting what you want or where you’re doing. Be the type of person you want to be, make the choices that are best for YOU in this moment, and don’t look back. It’s okay to adjust, change your mind, and make mistakes: you’re human. What is right for one person isn’t right for you. Go ahead, choose wrong. Where’s the fun in always being right, anyway? So the next time your brain pumps up it’s old brainwashed ways, and says “Choose the right!”, you can respond with the words of one Regina George, “What does that even mean?”

Does this ring true to you? Visit the community to connect with others like myself who are still fighting the pressure to choose the right in all things. Leave a comment if this resonated with you or if you have advice to give.