Sister is a word that has come to have many different meanings in my head. First, I think of my biological sister. I think of all the things that “sister” implies: boy talk, sharing clothes, telling secrets, and of course, passing down vital information. How to straighten my hair or put on mascara, what to do when I got my period at school, how to wear a thong, how to get over a breakup or get ready for a dance, and how to let your date know you want to be kissed without being obvious.

Sister Meant Wisdom

Religion gave me a different understanding of the term. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, women are corralled into our appropriate rooms to discuss information only relevant to us. While we were all called “sisters,” I never felt anything remotely sisterly from the women and girls in the Mormon religion. Sister also meant judgment?

After that, the word sister came to become associated with sororities. No surprise, I wasn’t a sorority girl. As a short, brunette, tom-boy, I didn’t exactly match the sorority girl in the movies. So while the idea of a “sisterhood” sounded great, I could only see backbiting, jealousy, gossip, betrayal, and maybe a wider wardrobe. Had teen movies made a caricature out of sororities? Yes. Did I have any reason to think otherwise as a teen? Nope. In this sense, sisterhood meant I had to be a carbon copy of the Queen Bee or one of her underlings. These weren’t the “sisters” I wanted. Sister now meant competition?

Throughout school it was far easier for me to make friends with men than it was with women for these very reasons. And I think many women have had similar experiences. Why was I afraid to strike up a conversation? Why was it so damn hard to build a friendship? I was friendly, so why wasn’t it working with women?

As I reached my twenties, I was beyond confused about what a “sisterhood” should feel like and how women should treat each other. I knew what a good sister felt like, but I was (and still am) hard pressed to find any real places of “sisterhood” outside religion and sororities. Apart from my actual sister, none of these “sisterhoods” felt at all like I had hoped they would.

But I don’t think that’s exactly our fault. I think it’s by design — just not our design.

Subconscious Competition With Sisters

Maybe you’ve sensed this competitiveness in the air when you’ve gathered with other women. Maybe you’ve felt judged or judgmental. What exactly were we competing for and making each other feel smaller for? Could be a man none of us really wanted, or a teacher who gave out gold stars, or a “cool” girl who radiated popularity. What was it we all really wanted?

Once upon a time a woman’s literal survival depended upon her marrying a man. Men had power, money, property, rights, everything. A husband equaled safety and security. Naturally, more money equaled more security. But there were only so many proud steeds in the barn at one time, after all. Good game was hard to find, and only the best took it home. Thus competition for safety erupted amongst women. And it lingers, though no longer appropriate, to this day.

Even nowadays, when we aren’t competing for a partner, the competitiveness comes out in other ways. Women judge other women for the stupidest things. We judge a woman for going back to work, and equally judge her if she chooses to stay home with her child. We judge her if she gets a divorce as well as if she stays in the bad marriage. We judge her if she looses the weight and wears a bikini, as well as if she stays overweight and never goes swimming.

If women are religious, the judgements are even more severe, which only proves my point. Religious women are still wildly at risk of losing security and safety if they are unmarried. And they won’t be married unless they are the cream of the crop, a perfect woman, following all of God’s rules. What happens is the woman takes all of those requirements placed upon her and places them upon another woman. Perfection is impossible, this she knows. But she also knows if she points out the flaws in another, she’ll look a little better. So is the way of religion. How short is her dress? How expensive are her shoes? Did she get another piercing? She uses frozen dinners?? I hear her house is usually a mess! She must not be following God’s way. She must not be very faithful.

We don’t even recognize we’re doing it or why, all the more reason to acknowledge this as subconscious thinking and behavior.

I believe this primal need for safety (along with the outdated methods of how to get it) is buried so deep within our subconscious, we don’t recognize its origins. Modern times have come so quickly that our bodies still haven’t yet adapted to these rapid changes. No, men no longer equal safety. No, it is no longer necessary to compete with other women for “security.” And yet, this animalistic competitiveness comes out time and time again, triggered by situations that present “potential safety,” — even when that means tearing another woman down to get it.

It doesn’t sound natural that women were born competing. And it’s not. These are learned traits.

Encouraged Isolation Among Women

I believe there is another, hidden reason why it’s so hard for women to make female friends. And that’s because society (as in, those responsible for crafting modern-day society i.e. men) needs women to feel isolated. An isolated woman thinks only of her spouse, children, and home. An isolated woman doesn’t get a sympathetic shoulder to cry on, nor does she get to offer advice to another, thereby giving her a reprieve from her own problems. An isolated woman feels like she isn’t enough and needs a companion, children, or a home to feel complete.

Compare this to a woman with friends, a strong sisterhood. This woman doesn’t fret about her own perfection or problems, because she has more perspective. This woman feels supported, so she doesn’t cling to her husband and children as her mother might have. This woman socializes with many, so she has a sense of individuality, making her confident in manner and action. This woman isn’t fearful of her security and so doesn’t need to compete with or tear down other women. Basically, a woman with a sisterhood is a stronger, more stable, more secure woman.

And that’s just not what this man-made society is prepared to handle, let alone support. It never has been.

Groups of Women Are Dangerous

To further deter women from assembling, Christianity went so far as to taint the entire image of female groups. After the witch trials (which lasted a whopping 200 years!), in which groups of women were deemed “covens of witches,” and arrested or sentenced to death, female groups were hard to come by. No surprise. Why would women be eager to gather again if devil-work was assumed to be afoot? Why risk associating with marginalized women, such as the unmarried, widowed, or indentured if it damages your own image? Why invite the gossip or assumptions? Why risk being called a “coven?”

Yet, is it not strange that the “wise woman” of one village may have also been called a “witch,” by a neighboring village? So does wisdom equal witchcraft? Or is it simply being female and wise that makes it witchcraft? Regardless of the ridiculous idea, women were taught that their gathering could have no good consequences. The only way to be a good woman above reproach was to be married, have children, read your bible, and stay in your own house

Society taught women that they would only be complete once they were married, and then once they had children, and then once they have a house, and perhaps on it goes. Society needs women to think they are alone so that women will buy into all the other lies that keep modern day society afloat. Society needs women judging each other, needs women buying competing sofas, needs women comparing wallpapers, needs women one-upping each other.

For what would happen to society if women suddenly found themselves complete? If women one day realized they have always been enough? If marriage and children were the second choice, rather than the assumed? If women were encouraged to pursue education and career and wealth in the same way men were? If women could get support, advice, sympathy, and love from other women instead of their spouse, mother, or therapist?

Where Could We Be?

Where would society be if the bond between women grew so tight and thick that it couldn’t be severed for anything?

This world would be unrecognizable. The sooner we can see through the specially crafted blindfold that society has wrapped around our eyes, the sooner we can change the world. Sisterhood is the missing piece. It’s not going to be easy — for us. But if we can put in the work, it can be easy for future generations.

It’s not normal for sister to be against sister, and the only way we can undo this is by first recognizing this as abnormal. Next, it involves being brave and talking to more of your sisters. It requires putting yourself out there. And it demands that you be open and understanding, the way only us ladies know how.

Not everyone will have gotten the new message, that we’re all about sisterhood now! Many will still be competitive, possibly mean or judgmental, maybe even sexist. Even our natural (unspoken) sisterhood is fragmenting by the day, with different definitions of “feminism” and “woman” creating further distinctions among us.

Now is the time, Sister

If your first interactions are scorned, don’t give up. Remember why she is the way she is. It’s the same reason you are the way you are with other women. We all went through the same sexist course on life and are living according to that information. Give her a break, be kind, and move on to another sister. And please don’t stop.