Limiting this list to five was quite the challenge. From birth to age twenty-seven, I grew up in a cult by the name of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (or Mormonism). Say what you will about organized religion and cults, but these sexist beliefs are unacceptable and continue to be forced upon young girls’ minds, framing how they’ll see the world for the rest of their lives. Regardless of your religious beliefs, no one should be made to believe these things about themselves.
1. My body is shameful
It was made clear to me at a young age what people thought about my body. It was a temptation. But it was also supposedly a temple. How my body could be a temple, as well as a temptation, still confounds me. At the age of twelve, suddenly my body became something to cover up. My shoulders and armpits, my clavicle and eventual cleavage, my thighs, my stomach, and my back were all to remain concealed. I was made to feel like a walking piece of meat. And if anyone tried to enjoy that meat, it would be my fault.
If boys looked or touched, I was responsible. I was Bathsheba, and men were merely human, capable of withstanding only so much temptation. What a load of crap. Let’s stop acting like this was anything more than a get-out-of-jail-free card for men. The men who raped and abused women were the same men who wrote the bible, making sure to justify rape/abuse/etc. in the book as well as put the blame on women. Simple. Who would question the “word of god?”
I am. I’m questioning this supposed “word of god” and I call foul. No God of mine would permit me to be attacked and feel responsible, all for the beauty God himself blessed me with. The very idea is utterly ridiculous, and yet, priests and pastors galore push this lie so they can get away with their own abuse. Disgusting.
It took me a long time to accept that my body was no temptation and nothing to feel guilty or shameful about. I am not responsible for another’s actions, especially when I am the victim. Women (and men) are not responsible for the actions of their attackers, regardless of what outfit they are wearing or what bedroom eyes they appear to have. While society still puts the brunt of responsibility on women (the victim) to not be attacked, this is wrong, and is a heavy remnant of religions of yore.
I don’t care how long this has been tolerated, I won’t wait for men to take responsibility for their actions before I quit feeling responsible for them. I wear what I want, knowing full well my body is mine, and it’s just that: a body. I will dress it up or down, pierce or tattoo, expose or cover it up as much as I want to. For it is my body and only I determine when I feel ashamed.
2. My voice is not important
This is not unique to religion, as men have been silencing women for a millennia. While this is mainly for my ladies out there, religion has a habit of shutting most people up unless they fit the mold of straight, white, conservative, biological man. If you’ve ever held your tongue in a church meeting, bitten back a comment at a ladies lunch, or withheld your true opinion from your spouse about his actions in the church, you might just be a woman in religion.
Women may occasionally give talks during the LDS bi-annual conference, but the subjects are always on women, children, or the home. They may teach children and women, but not men. They ought to stay silent if they disagree, as the menfolk know better. These permissions may change over the years, as they give women a bit more here and there, again, just to keep them placated. But the permits are always limited.
It’s no wonder. What church would want a woman voicing her opinion on sexist policies? What would a woman say about being restricted in her power, positions, and blessings? What would a woman say if she could talk about sexual abuse, power, divine inspiration, and more topics currently restricted to men? I can tell you one thing: her words would be poison in religions’ well. Her words would counter sexist actions and decrees, demand equal treatment, and engage the minds of other women. If women suddenly had a voice in church, it would be chaos. So she is silenced.
Approved talking points and appropriate “female” positions, women have taken whatever we can get, even when we’re told specifically where our voices matter. But by giving us preferred spaces to speak, religion is communicating that it would rather have us silent. I had so many questions as a child, especially when I noticed sexism. I was quieted, ignored, brushed aside, and talked down to. I am learning to use my voice now, and writing about my experiences is helping in a big way. I want to champion women who are using their voices, and men who’ve also been silenced for going against the grain. Your voice matters more than you know.
3. My place is in the home
A real sexist gem this one is. My place was in the house, and my greatest pride was to be my family and home. Picking out wallpaper samples and browsing curtains didn’t interest me. I didn’t want a dishwasher for Christmas or a blender for Mother’s Day. I didn’t want my “place” to be anywhere other than where I was.
But by keeping me in the home, society and religion kept me out of sight. If a woman is only permitted to discuss the dishes, the shopping, the cooking, and the furniture treatments with her friends, then her entire universe is completely controllable. They told us we were “special,” that only women could choose the right place setting or get out that stubborn stain. If we felt “special,” we didn’t disagree or complain because, after all, this was only a job women could do. And if women were told that to be happy all they needed was a husband, home, and children, who were women to deny that truth? So we fed into it. And continue to feed into it. Even 59 years after The Feminine Mystique was published, women continue to buy into this lie, chaining themselves to the dining room table on the belief that it will make them happy.
Now that I’m looking for my place outside the home and exploring my interests, I can take a deep breath. I belong anywhere I say I do. If I want to be at home or on the road, working for someone else or for myself, the choice is mine and I am not any lesser of a woman because of it.
4. My purpose is to bear children
This is a real kicker that still affects me to this day. I once went through the agony of deciding, and then finally making the drastic choice to leave school because I believed I’d be a stay-at-home mom (as was the assumed choice for married Mormon women). Why waste the money on a degree I wouldn’t use? I feared what I would do with my education/career once I had children. It was far more comfortable to follow the Mormon church’s prescription for my life. All I had to do was have babies! I won’t lie, there was some comfort in that, even though it was completely insulting.
But if my purpose is to bear children, then odds are I won’t be pursuing a career or education. Odds are I won’t be the money maker in the house, which means I likely won’t have a voice in the decisions. Odds are my value will be restricted to bathing children, helping with school projects, and other childcare related duties. If I believe children are my “purpose,” then I won’t question my role in church or society. I would be forced to suffer in silence, believing that if I wasn’t happy as a mother and homemaker, then the problem was me. Well played, religion, well played.
I’ll freely admit to struggling with finding my “purpose” once I decided I didn’t want children. It still creeps up occasionally to give me grief. I have to silence that voice with logic, reminding it that my only purpose is to be, a radically different idea than I’d grown up with. To tell a young girl that her value lies in her uterus is utterly disgraceful. We don’t tell men their value lies in their genitals, even though I’m quite certain it takes two to make a baby. Simply because women are the vessels for developing life, doesn’t mean it is our “purpose” any more than a man’s. I have a mind, heart, spirit, and soul, none of which have anything to do with my birthing capabilities.
5. My gender is inherently lesser
Women are born of the rib of Adam. At least that’s what I was taught growing up. Man (Adam) was the original, and woman (Eve) was born from him, not as a separate being but as an afterthought. While there were only two genders, the church made it clear that we had very different values and purposes. As a woman, it was my purpose to simply reproduce. This natural, biological, automatic, animalistic capability was the greatest honor I had. Women aren’t valued for their minds.
In the Mormon church, as with 95% of organized religions that I’m aware of, women are second-class citizens because of this “being born of a rib” nonsense. This means only men can hold the Priesthood, a power from god only given to men (shocker!). This power permits the performance of blessings, presiding over meetings, and powerful positions in church government where decisions are made. Oh, and it also is the key to getting the highest blessings, without which, a woman can’t reach the highest heaven. So, women literally need men to get into heaven. Nice.
What a great idea men had when creating their religious texts. It’s like creating a Boys Only club, and then inviting girls, but informing them that they can only serve cookies. After all, it’s a Boys club. Religion is exactly that: one big ugly boy’s club that’s been keeping women down and submissive since its inception. If women believe we are lesser, we won’t speak up or out. If women believe we are lesser, we won’t demand more or question how things are. To make us believe our entire gender is half that of a man, what an accomplishment.
All we need do is look to animals to see this is completely insane. Both genders are clearly equally of value. We cannot create life without both, and we aren’t a complete voice unless both are expressed. There is literally no inherent difference in value, because there is no “god” to determine “value.” Take away the measuring stick and suddenly we’re equal. This little lie was much easier for me to overcome due to its obvious ridiculousness, and yet I still sometimes yearn to prove that I’m more.
To this day, I’m still a little angry about being born a woman. But as I distance myself more and more from religion, as I evaluate my beliefs and reconsider the world and my place in it, my resentment of my gender is lessening. These are not truths, these are bold-faced lies, and not even good ones! And once you know something is a lie, you can slowly stop believing it. Thanks religion, your hatred of women has made it so very easy to walk away.
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