Why do we go through such efforts to avoid pain? Especially after something traumatic has happened, such as walking away from a religion that had mapped out your entire life? When a scar is healing, it can itch and sting. When we are hurt by someone, we may feel like crying. When we stretch a neglected muscle, it may be sore. We recognize pain as a natural consequence to pressure. Whether it’s pressure from another (preventing us from doing/having what we want), pressure from something physical (causing a physical wound), or pressure in a metaphorical sense (as from society), we feel pain. When we feel this pressure, we have the choice to give in or to resist. If we resist, it will likely lead to worse pain down the road. But if we can only feel the pain of the moment, knowing it’s a natural part of the process, we can begin to heal.

Women raised in religion were trained to be little porcelain dolls. I guarantee if you’re a woman reading this, you have been told (by a man) to smile. And in the most inappropriate places – your place of work, the gym, the grocery store. Why? Because we are prettier, of course! A sad, angry, pained woman isn’t very “pretty” or useful to society. And after all, if she’s feeling her own pain, how can she hold others in their pain?

Girls Can’t feel…Too Much

Essentially, religion and society want women to bottle up their pain so they can be the happy caregivers for everyone else (i.e. for men and children). They need women to be strong and nurturing, and crying denotes weakness and appears self-indulgent, while rage isn’t very lady-like at all! Not only are we told to smile, speak softly, and think positively, but when our hormones prompt especially potent emotions, we are dismissed as being “hormonal.”

We are either told to suppress our pain or are dismissed as being too much if we don’t, our emotions forever ignored. Truthfully, society doesn’t like to permit the expression of pain in anyone, women or men. So honestly, everyone needs to work on feeling pain. However, I address women specifically as we have internalized these messages. We have interpreted this emotional suppression and discrediting as reasons to always focus on being happy and caring for others. We often never think we should cry or scream. But why? Aren’t women supposed to be “emotional”? Hmm…maybe that’s the reason. We don’t want to be seen as dramatic, emotional, needy. So when we want to cry or scream in rage, we distract ourselves instead.

Instead of feeling the pain, we focus on finding a solution. We are proactive. We don’t wallow, but we throw ourselves into our work to “fix” the problem. Or we focus on helping someone else with their pain/problem. But I’m here to give you permission, sis, to let that shit out. I invite you to shift how you see your pain, and instead of seeing it as weakness, see it as the great healer that it is. It is only through feeling our pain that we process it, learn from it, and ultimately grow. Pain is a wonderful teacher if we can only feel it.

Pain Heals

If you don’t believe me, consider the last time you felt ready to burst from the pain. How did you handle it? Did you crawl into bed and let the tears flow? Did you scream into your pillow? Break things? Did you softly weep until the tears ran dry? Did you talk to someone about what you were feeling? Or did you throw yourself into work instead? Either you felt the pain or you didn’t. Consider how you felt in the moment and afterwards, whichever path you chose. Did working help you feel better? Did crying or screaming?

Odds are, if you’ve ever had a truly cathartic cry, you’ve felt the healing power of pain. If you’ve ever walked away from someone or something because you knew you’d be better off (especially when you didn’t “want” to), you’ve felt the healing power of pain. Pain is the great healer. In feeling our pain we release powerful energy so it can be recycled, and we can invite new energy in. There is great clarity in feeling our pain. Pain is a signal that something can be improved, something shouldn’t have happened, etc. Pain is the alarm bell. If we ignore it, how can it help us?

Pain teaches

When we allow ourselves to feel pain, our sadness, regret, anger, grief, longing, frustration, we learn. We learn what caused those emotions and can process them fully so we can grow. If we never feel our pain, we will never understand it, and it will forever haunt us, confounding us at every turn, undermining our search for joy, and spreading self-doubt and mistrust throughout our life.

While no one wants to feel pain, there is so much pain to process after leaving organized religion as a woman. So much you were robbed of, so much you need to reclaim, so much programming to undo. You may be losing/have lost family, friends, and of course, community. You have lost your entire identity, life purpose, and understanding of the world. Of course you’re full of pain! This is the fearless path you chose, and sis, it’s going to be full of painful moments. Just as it was painful to leave religion in the first place, we did it, knowing that we would feel better in the end. All because we learned from the pain our religion was causing us, and realized there was a solution. If we didn’t feel that pain, we never would have broken free.

Push through, Not Away

If we can feel these moments as they arise, we can push through them by feeling them. This is where we will find healing, growth, clarity, and self-love. We cannot continue to suppress, as this was part of why we are so traumatized now. We must release, and we must trust ourselves to be there to catch ourselves. Human beings are energetic beings, and pain is simply energy. This is our purpose, an invitation. I hope you respond to this invitation by saying “yes” to pain, as counter-intuitive as it seems. In time, hopefully pain will be seen as an opportunity for you to bravely and lovingly embrace, rather than a challenge to run from. If you want support in your pain, we’d love to hold you in sister circle. You do not need to feel this pain alone, and it’s even easier if you don’t have to.

To get the most out of these messages, I invite you to join the next live circle, happening every Sunday! Come reclaim permission to feel pain after religion, along with so much more.