I, your inner Wild Woman, have emerged from the forest with another musing. So take off your shoes and that restrictive bra and join me on the forest floor to muse about play.

As a woman in a Patriarchal society, you are taught to prioritize productivity over all else. Earn money, advance your career, work on the house, and always be multi-tasking. There is always more to do, more to achieve. This isn’t by accident. And it’s not in any way natural.

You see, my Wildchild, Patriarchy lives in perpetual summer. A time of activity, movement, progress. But if we look to nature, we will see that perpetual summer doesn’t exist. Look to our animal friends even, do they not have periods of rest as well as joy? In nature, we have at least four distinct seasons (or at least we once did, but climate change is slowly taking care of that). And each season had its purpose and place. Spring was a time of new plantings, Summer was a time of growth. Autumn was a time of harvest. Winter was a time of rest. This cycle makes sense. This is what balance looks like. But we’ve lost our way thanks to capitalism & patriarchy. And everyone is exhausted, miserable, and stressed, women especially.

Expecting yourself to be in perpetual Summer, perpetual growth, is unrealistic. Not only have we enforced the season of Summer all year long, we have reduced this season of peak activity into only “productive” activity. We’ve all but forgotten how to play, a form of activity that replenishes energy as opposed to depletes it.

If you need a reminder of the value of rest, I’ve mused about that before but today I want to focus not on Winter, but on the other half of Summer. On play, pleasure, and self-nurturing.

None of these things are “productive” so they often get ignored. Perhaps you only engage in them when you have “extra time” or when no one is looking. You sneak a cookie break when the children are napping, you splurge on a facial when out shopping for everyone, you stay up late reading a chapter of a delicious novel after everyone has gone to bed. Does this sound familiar? Sneaking in moments of joy and self-care to avoid judgement?

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This is why you’re running on fumes, and life may seem futile. Because what is the point of a life that is endless work without any time to enjoy it? What is the purpose of achievement if we don’t relish the rest that comes afterwards? It leaves us perpetually scaling the mountain, never resting at the peak, let alone enjoying the climb.

It turns us away from animals of the earth, which we are, and into drones. This is intentional. Because in this Patriarchal system there is always someone above you who benefits the more work you do. They don’t care about your rest or your joy, they care about numbers, about reaching goals, about endless growth. The more work you do, the more money they make, and the more they can play.

A Woman’s Work Is Never Done – They Make Sure of It

Living in a productivity-focused and achievement-oriented society has sapped all the life out of living. What is the purpose of it all, you may find yourself wondering. Is work all there is? Is being exhausted all the time normal? And if you find yourself asking these questions, you’re on the right track, mossy lady. Because your body knows that 24/7 productivity isn’t feasible, let alone natural.

What’s worse, because you are a woman, your work is never done. For the bulk of childcare is usually dropped on you. The bulk of emotional labor falls on you. Even if you work a job, you are expected to keep your household running, which means school projects, calling repair men, caring for the pets, planning the meals, managing the budget etc. And if you are like the average woman, you’re not perpetually wealthy so on top of all this, you’re responsible for making sure the money stretches. So you may be clipping coupons, you may be comparison shopping for the best prices, and you may be spending hours trying to think of creative, yet edible, recipes to cook for your family. You are the most overworked and exhausted being on the planet.

And you’re made to feel guilty for playing, for resting, and for caring for yourself. You’re called selfish for that one manicure you may squeeze in very few months. You’re called vain for having a hair appointment. You are told you’re wasting time even if you do a 15-min at-home facial, bubble bath, or hot oil treatment. And so, these small pleasures and moments of joy and play become fewer and more spaced out, they are carried out in secret, they are squeezed in “free time” between meetings or errands or while waiting for a meal to finish cooking. Time stolen, just for you so no one can judge you.

My Sunflower. I really need you to see the bullshit in that.

I need you to sit with me and breathe and not feel guilty. I need you to see that play is equally important as work, that self-care is equally important as caring for everyone else (more so, actually!), and that creating moments of joy and pleasure is equally important as creating those moments for the people in your life. You are not a machine. You do not exist to care for everyone else. And, yes, you’ve heard it before, you cannot pour from an empty cup.

Play Isn’t Just For Boys and Men

You may recall playing a bit as a child. With dolls, or jump rope, or coloring books, or dress up. But it was always contained, wasn’t it? Girl-appropriate play. You couldn’t be too wild, too messy, too loud. (If you were permitted to be this way, I commend your parents.) But at some point as you grew up, even that playfulness fizzled out, didn’t it? And it’s not because it was natural, for boys never stopped playing, it’s because you were told explicitly how your time could be better spent caring for others. Someone told you that play wasn’t for you to value and that self-care and pleasure was selfish. And sadly, you believed them. Because you were a child.

I know you were brought into the kitchen to help mom with dishes or cooking when you were seven. I know you were expected to help care for your younger siblings as soon as they were born. I know your parents expected more of you than your brother. I know you were taught to be helpful, responsible, quiet, neat and restrained. And you were told that the playful, messy, rambunctious and wild characteristics were reserved for the boys.

I know. And I’m here to tell you once and for all, that just because that is the programming that Patriarchy gave you so they could utilize you your entire life, doesn’t mean that is your nature. You are just as deserving of joy, just as wild inside, and have just as much right to get rambunctious and messy as the boys. These are human traits, animalistic traits. Play is not just for boys.

And though they perpetuated this false idea that “Girls mature faster than boys,” they don’t. They are simply forced to. Because caring for others, being responsible, and working, matures us as humans. It’s not limited by sex nor is it easier for one than the other. It’s simply an excuse to give women and girls even more responsibilities, work, and more people for them to care for. To ensure she never has time let alone energy to play, and if she does, she’s made to feel guilty, selfish, or childish for it. But somehow, men never are. Hmm.

Play Is Vital to Your Well-being

So it is incumbent upon me, your inner Wild Woman, to call you back to your wildnesss, your playfulness, your joy-seeking inner child. Calling you to question the guilt and the “selfish” labels by telling you something you’ve likely never heard before. Brace yourself.

Play is valuable, worthwhile, and vitally important to your ADULT wellbeing.

Did I shock you?

Play is not frivolous, pleasure is not selfish, joy is not wasted time. These are vital to your well-being. Because life isn’t just about surviving, it’s about thriving. If you’ve been wondering if life is all work & obligation, your intuition is attempting to bring you back into balance, back to a truth you once knew: life demands balance, work and rest, productive and playful, outer-care and self-care. Listen to that inner voice questioning this work-obsessed culture. Listen to your inner child demanding play and nurturing.

This is especially necessary if you’re going to insist on doing the bulk of labor in your family. Though I’d urge you to shift the weight of responsibilities if you have a partner so that you both contribute and enjoy equally. If that seems impossible, I’d also urge you to question the usefulness & fairness of that “partnership.” But that’s a musing for another day.

Play like your life depends on it. Because it does. When I say play, it’s exactly as simple as it sounds. If you’ve been so out of touch with play, you aren’t sure what this looks like as an adult, you can look for a couple elements. The first element that indicates you’re playing is laughter. Laughter is pure joy and is so good for your health and well-being. You can also check for the feeling of being in your body or present in the moment. For specifics, here’s a list to get you started:

• Child Play: They are masters at play and are great at naturally helping us. If this feels like work, I suggest choosing a different option.
• Pet Play: The family pet is often ignored amidst the working day of appointments and tasks. Spend even just thirty minute splaying tug-of-war, fetch, or with their feather wand. Chase each other, play hide-n-seek, practice teaching them tricks. A pet is an endless source of joy and they are begging to play with you.
• Movement Play: Not exercise sis, playful movement. I mean dancing, hula hooping, biking, go-karting, cartwheeling, roller blading, jumping on a trampoline kinda movement.
• Water Play: Have a bath and splash away, blow bubbles, run in the sprinklers or the rain, have a water balloon fight, swim in a pool! I guarantee if you have a pet or children, they’d love to join you.
• Story Play: A comedy is my ultimate recommendation to ensure smiles and laughter. But it’s not a rule. If you enjoy a good thriller or mystery or drama, watch that! Or pick up a good book and lose yourself in a new world and interesting characters. When was the last time you read a comic strip?
• Friend Play: Have a slumber party, go to an escape room, play a board game, go camping, play charades, sing karaoke, tell stories. So many options! And any of these activities listed here can include a friend, which helps both of you play by subconsciously giving each other “permission” to be in joy.
• Artistic Play: Break out the paints, the markers, the pastels, the clay, the crayons! Whether you decide to color in a coloring book, or do a watercolor painting of the sunset, or sculpt your dog with some play-doh, it all counts. Don’t feel creative? Just sit and doodle. Look up Zentangle and you’ll always have something to doodle. It’s relaxing and playful all at once.
• Nature Play: Go swim in a lake/river, fly a kite, feed the ducks, take a hike, converse with a ladybug, or simply sit and watch the clouds or stars.

I know it won’t be easy as you are still within a productivity-focused society and will still have to endure the judgements of those who view play as wasteful. But the more you challenge that little voice that says “you should be working,” the easier it will get to play. If playing is too challenging, focus on resting and self-care as a first step. Just sit and be, do nothing at all. Get comfortable simply not being productive. Stop multi-tasking. Focus on one thing or nothing at all, start with whichever is easiest.

Slowly, little by little, your body will remember that it is safe to be still, that it is safe to play, and it is safe to care for itself. It will remember that it’s safe to be in the moment and to be in your body. You’ll remember that it’s normal to make mistakes, that is healthy to express yourself, and that sometimes doing nothing at all is the right thing to do. And the benefits of playing are numerous, from reduced stress, anxiety and depression to processing emotions to simply unifying your body, mind, and spirit. Your interests, passions, and hobbies matter. They nurture your soul. To ignore them isn’t admirable, it’s self-destructive. You will never win a prize for being productive, for never slowing down. You’ll never reach a point where you feel like you’ve achieved enough and can stop. Because work is vital to life. And so is play. If you play more, you’ll restore the energy and sense of balance required to achieve the things you wish. But to only work is a surefire way to burnout and misery.

Reclaim play, little Butterfly, and you’ll reclaim your soul. I promise you. It’s not a waste, it’s crucial to your survival. But don’t do it just to survive. Do it so you can thrive. When you’re ready to make mud pies, I’ll be waiting.

With a howl,

Your inner Wild Woman