I, your inner Siren, have surfaced from the watery depths to sing you a song. Sit back and let my serenade wash you clean of misplaced shame.
The shame I’m talking about this week, is the double-standard shame women get for reading (or writing) erotica.
While bikini-shots & locker room scenes displaying women of all ages are featured in everything from our teen sitcoms to our Hollywood movies to commercials and beyond, women are told not to be sexual. While women are forced, by rule, to play sports in skimpy panty-like outfits while men get to wear shorts or pants for the same sport, women are told not to be sexual. While women are portrayed as being the whore, the temptress, the innocent virgin schoolgirl, and the sex-starved mother, in our media and in the real world, all archetypes to play to men’s sexual fantasies by the way, women are told that we mustn’t be sexual.
Hmm… the message is a bit muddy isn’t? Women are sexualized our entire lives, and it’s seen as entirely fine, but something shifts when a woman decides for herself to be sexual. When she goes out in the skimpy dress she chose, when she has a one-night stand on purpose, when she talks about enjoying or desiring sex. Suddenly, she’s shameful. She’s a slut, a whore, or she’s apparently asking to be abused.
It was fine to gawk at her when she was wearing a leotard she is forced into, but not when she chooses it. That’s the difference. That thing that shifts, it’s power.
The Power Shift Patriarchy Forbids
Patriarchy wants women sexualized, not sexual. It wants women to be coerced, pressured, forced into sexual objects, but always completely ignorant of our sexual power. We are to be spied upon, unaware of our allure. We are to be flirted with, innocent of our charm. We are to be dominated, unable to dictate what we want. Patriarchy wants men to remain in power, which is only accomplished by keeping women ignorant to the very sexual power that men are weak to. They want to sexualize us for their own pleasure, but hate when we embrace our sexuality for our own pleasure. Because that would mean a shift in who holds the power and who gets the pleasure.
If a woman starts to enjoy her sexuality, starts seeking out sexual gratification, starts dressing in a way that she knows will get men fawning for her, she’s suddenly gained not only power, but pleasure. And men are used to having both and denying women either. To patriarchy, that’s the way it should be.
This is why words like “erotica” have been shamed, but words like “pornography” are simply treated with an eye-roll. Because “boys will be boys” and “men need sex,” so for men to enjoy, discuss, promote, and even create pornography, it is seen as normal behavior. Society has accepted it. Because we live in a Patriarchal society.
But ask women what they think of phonography. How are the women portrayed in porn? Is the woman’s pleasure ever the focus? Do the women ever seem like they are enjoying it? Is there ever a believable story or is it just asses and tits and cum all over? That’s right. Pornography is simply male fantasies being acted out. Or worse, it involves trafficked women, hidden cameras, and even situations which aren’t acted but are very much real and abusive. It focuses on extremes. Bondage and submission. Degradation and humiliation. Non-consensual and “taboo” scenarios abound. The step-sister, the mother, the teacher, even the nun all turned into sex objects because they are the women that are meant to be off-limits, the women who don’t want to be sexed up, the women who would likely resist. The women in these videos aren’t real. And the men aren’t either. This is their wildest fantasy played out. It is not relatable to real life. And most women don’t enjoy watching it. Because it wasn’t created for us.
Erotica, however, is.
Erotica Is Created For Women, By Women
Erotica is a place where a woman gets to be sexual, not simply sexualized. The power is back in her hands. It’s all about her fantasy.
And this is why it has such a bad rap.
Despite the fact that it doesn’t subject actors or real people to humiliation, pain, or abuse, and it doesn’t come with viruses to infect your computer.
Nope. Erotica is different. Granted, erotica can come in many flavors so my statements won’t apply to every piece of erotica ever written, but I’m speaking in generalities. Generally, erotica features realistic characters who often experience growth, generally depicts realistic scenarios, and generally focuses on the women’s pleasure. The woman usually has some semblance of control.
But the best part about erotica, is that it places the reader in the role of the pleasure receiver. In porn, you watch it happen to someone else. You are a third party. A voyeur. Ick.
In erotica, you are the one being romanced, pleasured, seduced. You are the one who chooses to surrender control, give in to your urges, or take your pleasure into your own hands.
And the sad part, is that this type of sexual interaction is designed for women because we so very rarely experience that type of sexual gratification in real life. This is why the romance industry is so popular. Women fantasize about coming first because in a Patriarchal society, she comes last, if she comes at all.
Porn teaches men that women are objects to be used and abused. It creates these false fantasies of women who enjoy guzzling cum by the bucket load, who like being treated like chattel, and that all women, straight or not, love getting saucy with other women. It gives them an ultra-warped sense of sex, of intimacy, and of women. It desensitizes them so that every time they go back, it needs to get more and more extreme. Some of the stuff that is out there is truly horrifying and I’ve never even been to the darkweb. It is extremely harmful to society. Both men and women are suffering because of it. Marriages and relationships end because of it. Women are trafficked and violated because of it. And young boys are trained to see women as merely vessels to satisfy their sexual lust.
Erotica doesn’t do any of that.
It is often a slow burn, which is what women need. It often involves a story and a character with needs and a history. It allows the woman to disconnect from her reality and be swept away into a fantasy of pleasure. She is meant to be titillated. And if written well, she may actually bring herself to orgasm with the ideas in the book. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Erotica isn’t always romance, and romance isn’t always erotica. Romance features the love story, but erotica, features the sexual gratification. Because not all sex needs to involve love and romance, despite what has been sold to women. Women wish to explore their fantasies, too. But usually, those fantasies don’t involve raping, abusing children or animals, or causing anyone pain or psychological trauma. And even the wildest erotica is simply words. It exists in the reader’s mind. No actors or actual people are involved. It is perfectly safe.
And yet society shames her for reading her eroticas AND her romance novels. While it completely excuses men and their depraved porn, not to mention their participation in actual human trafficking, abuse, rape, and pedophilia. (Still waiting to see any actual arrests of those assholes from the Epstein files.)
And I’m here to call bullshit.
Erotica Is Shamed Because It Prioritizes Women
This is the programming we as women must shed: the idea that it’s normal and healthy for a man to desire sex, to masturbate, to watch porn, to fantasize, while it’s embarrassing, disgusting, or whorish for a woman to desire sex, to masturbate, and to read a damn book and fantasize.
When all you need to do is to look at the difference between the two types of media. Look at the effects of both. Look at the intention of both. One is innocent, the other is not. One is harming society, the other is not. One is for men, by men, and the other is for women, by women. Yet one is socially acceptable, and the other still isn’t.
The real reason erotica is shamed and called “smut” or “dirty,” is first because it prioritizes women’s needs, but mainly, because it allows a woman to get off on her own. And Patriarchy needs women to need men. Patriarchy needs women to not recognize that they are sexual beings, with sexual needs, let alone realize that they hold all the sexual power. A woman can buy a dildo and a book and have the most satisfying night of her life. Or she can take several risks by going out with an actual man. She can wonder about what to wear and how to do her hair, tolerate his boring conversation, then, assuming the date even goes well, debate if she’ll be called a whore for sleeping with him or a prude for not, and if she does sleep with him, risk the sexually transmitted disease, risk not having an orgasm, risk being treated like a woman in a porno, and then of course there’s the risk to her actual safety. Oh, and let’s not forget the risk of pregnancy and all THAT entails. Or, she could buy a book and a toy and be conked out by 10pm, safe, satisfied, not degraded. A true act of self-love, self-care, and self-respect. She can take her time, get lost in her thoughts, let her hands go everywhere she wants and nowhere she doesn’t, and there is no shame involved. She isn’t expected to be anything but a woman. It’s peaceful, pleasurable, and perfectly normal. And Patriarchy fucking hates that.
And so they shame erotica and every woman who has claimed her sexual power.
But now you know why. Because the more power she has, the less he does. The more she can please herself, the less she needs him to. The more she realizes that she is a sexual being, the more she’s going to want satisfaction, and the more likely she’ll realize the doofus she’s dating or married to can’t deliver. So, I suppose they are right to fear it. But they aren’t right to shame it. That’s just a pathetic attempt to get women to turn against our own best interests.
Embrace The Power of Erotica
So I issue a challenge to you, sweet daughter of the sea. The next time you feel internalized shame when a flush of arousal hits of your cheeks, or you feel tempted to pick up that “naughty” book, I urge you to try and pause for a moment and breathe into that feeling. Listen to it. Explore it. That shame was not yours, it was given to you, placed upon you by a Patriarchal society that doesn’t want you claiming your sexual liberation and doesn’t care about your sexual pleasure. It wants you shamed into being virginal in public, but pressured to be the sex strumpet behind closed doors. It wants you to be a porn character. Well, my love, you aren’t a character in some poorly developed dimly lit porno. You are a magnificent, sexual goddess that is fully deserving of tapping into her erotic power. You deserve sexual satisfaction. You deserve to feel sexy and desirable, to be pleasured, to lose yourself in your mind’s fantasy because the men of the real world are too timid to make it a reality.
Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to seek out a piece of erotica. You can read little shorts for free on sites like Literotica, you can find them for cheap on sites like Smashwords, and you can even find shorts at places like Amazon. And soon, you’ll be able to find it right here, in The Serpent Sanctuary.
Shed the shame, you delightful water nymph. Your sexual power is beyond measure and this is why they seek to control you with shame. They wish to cover you up, because your body is deliciously tempting and they have very little self control. They call you whore and temptress to keep your sexual desire in check, and to prevent themselves from feeling weak. But they’ve only proven they are weak. A strong man has no problem with a sexualized woman, a woman in touch with her erotic power. If he shames you, he’s not a real man. Don’t temper your sexuality and erotic desires for these pathetic boys. I promise you, that if you give yourself the attention you deserve, you’ll discover you are the best lover you’ve ever had. And erotica can truly help unlock that door.
With a kiss,
Your Inner Siren
