Take it off! Cover up! Don’t show so much skin! Don’t be such a prude!

Are any other women fed up with society telling us how much of our bodies we can show? Fuck, it seems like no matter where you go, women are being told something else. We just cannot win!

Modesty Culture

Personally, it started as soon as I was able to choose my own clothes. I was instructed to cover parts of my body so as to not be a distraction to the boys and men in my church. As. A. Child. The rules were pretty clear.

• No skirts or shorts above the knee
• Shoulders and armpits must be covered
• Mid-drift and back must be covered
• No form-fitting clothes
• No tears or holes in clothes
• No visible bra straps or panty lines
• No cleavage! (once you have it)

I heard phrases like, “Modest is Hottest.” Which translated to, if my body shows, I’m a dirty whore who though technically gets attention, ought to feel bad about it. A very confusing idea. I must cover my body because it was attractive…and if I cover it, I’ll be…more attractive? This whole modesty thing fucked with my understanding of attraction, body image, beauty, etc. I was taught if I was modest, I was worthy.

And so I grew up believing my body was shameful, women’s bodies were shameful. I can’t believe how misled I was. Worse, I can’t believe these ingrained beliefs are still affecting me. Some women heard it from church, some from general society, but we ALL heard it. And we heard it often.

It’s only now as a woman in my thirties, having escaped my particular cult (The LDS Church/Mormons), that I can look back on these antiquated views and shake my head at how ass-backwards they were. A child shouldn’t believe that if they don’t cover their knees, a bad man is going to assault them. A young woman shouldn’t worry if her armpit shows that her date will have impure thoughts he mightn’t be able to control. A grown woman shouldn’t have to fear rape simply because her dress hugs her curves “too well”. As though if a woman just wears the right thing, she can prevent being sexually assaulted. I’ll just stay it: Women aren’t responsible for being assaulted no matter what they are wearing. Once more for the men in the back.

Women aren’t responsible for being assaulted no matter WHAT they are wearing.

Only a man would think of this stupid idea, for it surely isn’t benefiting or protecting women. I mean really, blaming the victim? Would this stand in any other equally deplorable offense? How does this go down in court exactly?

Creep: “It wasn’t my fault, your Honor! Did you see her dress? Those heels? I could see upper thigh, UPPER! It’s so immodest! She was totally asking for it!”

Judge: “Oh, she said those words? She literally asked you to assault her?”

Creep: “Well, not exactly, but, look at the way she’s dressed! Look at all that cleavage! Come on! I’m only a man, what was I supposed to do?”

Judge :(glances at the victim ) “She is a very beautiful woman. Is that your defense? She’s beautiful, so clearly you had no choice but to assault her? Do you steal food you find delicious but can’t afford? Do you assume your neighbor is asking you to rob him when he purchases a nicer television set than you?”

It’s so stupid, and yet this happens every day. Around the world. In courtrooms, bedrooms, boss’ offices, bishops’ offices, and beyond. Women are being reprimanded for going to their car alone, wearing “too short” a skirt or “too red” lipstick, being out at night unchaperoned, drinking “too much,” and on and on the blame goes. While men are making excuses, shirking responsibility, laughing it off, and going on with their lives. (Let’s not even get started on if a child results from said assault!)

How, you ask? How has this lunacy become acceptable? How have we allowed ourselves to get so off course from what is decent, fair, and logical? How have we allowed women to be hidden away and covered up like delicate dolls, only to be roughly tossed around like that same doll at the drop of a dime?

We aren’t fucking dolls and it’s about time we took back control of our bodies, acknowledging the real reason the world tries to cover women up.

Women Are Beautiful

Period. Humans are well-aware of how banging the female body is. Look at our sculptures, our paintings! Nude women abound! So why the sudden urge to throw a blanket over us and lock us inside? Why are women now being punished for their natural beauty?

One word: Religion. To a pious man, a woman with two centimeters of cleavage or bare knees is just too much of a damn temptation. I was told often that women’s dress standards were in place to prevent men from having impure thoughts. I was dressing for men, even when the idea was to NOT be noticed. Let’s have that one sink in, as we were all likely told similar things: we were being dressed for the benefit of men only. (While telling us it was for our protection. Sneaky bastards.)

So instead of learning self control, man punishes woman and calls her a sinner. Religious men condemn women (attractive ones especially) as temptresses, evil vixens who use their bodies to seduce men away from the church.

Because as we all know, to have sex, is to come away from God. Right? Right.

And so we have the bible, where a bunch of sexist horny wackos wrote down some ridiculous rules for women, including covering their oh-so-tempting bods. We were instructed to cover ourselves with our hair, since that’s what it’s there for, duh! Men, however, were the image of God, and had no need to cover themselves. No need for male modesty when God also has a dick and man-nipples!

They seemed to believe that if a woman wore a short skirt, that was her giving consent or her acknowledgement of the consequences (both are bullshit). So if the idea is to prevent men from assaulting women by covering women up, they’ve gone about it the wrong idea. For all covering up women has done is make what lies beneath those layers of fabric that much more alluring. Dress codes don’t prevent assault, and yet, society and men keep insisting they do.

Religion after religion has taken these ideas and run with them. My poor sisters across the ocean must cover their beautiful faces! Some must wear baggy clothes or long drab dresses to hide their curves, all in the name of modesty. Others are regularly assaulted for being “too forward” in some way. Just more excuses for men to behave like animals, and somehow pin the blame on women.

Religion has stamped out the beauty of women purely because men can’t exert will power. If a man cheats on his wife, it is not his fault, but the woman who beguiled him, as well as his wife who clearly hasn’t been on her game. The same if a man rapes a woman; he is only a man, afterall!

What’s a girl to do?

I’ve been asking myself this question for a while. I wish I had a great answer. But it really isn’t grand or creative, it’s just obvious. It’s simple, but scary. What can we as women do about this bullshit?

1. Stop Respecting The Idea

Religion pushed these rules and they eked their way into society, so much so that a rich boy can assault a drunk woman and spend no time in jail. And if religion can start it, we can choose to end it by simply not tolerating these ideas. Counter these bullshit excuses whenever you hear them. We can support our sisters who need our voices by ending victim-blaming. We can believe them when they share their story, stand in their corner, and push for justice alongside them. Believing the truth ourselves is the first step towards getting others to believe it.

2. Refuse To Accept Fault

It’s a man’s word against ours. They may be used to getting away with shit, but we don’t have to go down quietly. Don’t accept blame, don’t give up without a fight, and don’t be silent. Supporting our sisters in denying fault is just as crucial.

3. Spread The Word

Whether it’s a coworker or boss, friend or family, group or church member, speak up and out. The offender just wants this to go away. We don’t have to let them. Warn people about them or they will strike again. Expose crooked judges who support rapists, church’s who cover up abuse, and businesses who sweep sexual assault charges under the rug. This is bad publicity, and sometimes, that’s all that gets through to people.

4. Re-educate Yourself

The first lie to scrub out is that modesty prevents sexual assault or that immodesty is the cause of sexual assault. It’s a lie. It happens in baggy hoodies just as often as in skimpy dresses. The next biggest challenge is unlearning that your body is shameful or a harmful distraction to men (that you’re responsible for.) It is beautiful and human and 100% yours. I will slowly but surely start to own my body and sexuality by wearing clothes I like, maybe even immodest ones! And bit by bit I’ll stop wanting to hide myself. And when we believe the truth ourselves, that’s when our actions really take shape, our voices hold strong, and our confidence inspires others.

5. Wear Whatever the Fuck You Want

This is the biggest and hardest one. Personally, I’ve yet to wear half of the things I’m curious about. Yet I admire the women who leave the house, fully aware that people will look (because boobs are in short supply, evidently). I admire the confidence, because I know it requires bravery to be in any way exposed. However, buried in this bravery is the solution we seek. We will continue to be judged, so long as we feel judgeable. If we can gradually gather our courage and collect the pieces of our self-esteem, we can take back our bodies. And it simply starts with wearing what you want. Even if you don’t feel brave yet, another woman seeing you may just be encouraged to own her body a little bit more.

This piece was a challenge, as there are so many threads connected to the idea of a woman’s body being shameful. There isn’t a quick and fast solution, but there is a quick and fast truth: women’s bodies aren’t shameful. We need only remember the real reason the world wants women to cover up: our beauty is simply too much.