1. You feel judged or judgmental of others

When you have a strict set of Dos and Don’ts, it becomes exceptionally easy to look around and see who is breaking the rules. We did this as children. We ratted out our siblings or classmates when they broke the rules. This was especially tempting if they tattled on us first. As adults in organized religion, we do the exact same thing. I constantly felt criticized for the clothes I wore, the opinions I shared, and the friends I kept. In turn, I found myself judging others for not doing their church duties fully, or breaking the Word of Wisdom by drinking coffee, or wearing shorts that were a little too short. Why did I do this? I don’t consider myself a judgmental person, and yet, it came so natural. I believe it was because if I could find someone else performing “worse” than I, perhaps I wouldn’t feel so bad. You’ve heard and seen people do this. For example, when Trump supporters were questioned on virtually any of his faults/lies/etc., they deflect and throw judgment to Obama or Biden or someone else. When we feel judged, we seek out another to shift the judgment to. It is a vicious inclination, and one that doesn’t help the judge or the judged feel any better. It’s a symptom of close-mindedness and closed-communities. If it’s different or not enough, then it’s bad. And when we all feel like terrible sinners, we’ll do everything we can to shift the spotlight to someone who is performing just a little bit worse. What a way to see your fellow man.

2. You find yourself wondering if you’re doing it “right”

Every time I ran the list of Mormon rules through my head, I felt like the Grinch complaining about all the “noise, noise, noise.” Except instead of “noise”, I saw the word “rules” scroll through my head on repeat. So many rules, rules, rules. I never felt like I was doing it right. Should I approach the non-member and try to convert them? Should I avoid them because they aren’t a member? Should I be pleasant and nice, but not be their friend? We see this example everywhere in Mormonism. The fake smiles and insincere offers to help were practically textbook. The constant doubts on if I was being a good Mormon was enough to make anyone sick with worry. And the worst part was, there was always more you could do. There was always a way to do it even better, as is true with every religion. There was always a way to be more “right”, and I’ve dedicated an entire post to it. This has only lead to confusion as an adult, as I struggle to find the “right” way to live, and realizing that there is no “right” way. The only ones telling you there is, are those trying to sell you something.

3. You listen to the opinions and advice of others, and rarely (if ever) yourself

I’ve been trying to listen to myself for the last few years. I’m a newbie. Before then, I consulted everyone else: my mother, the Bishopric of my religion, Young Women’s leaders, books, teachers, bosses, etc. I never asked myself for advice or consider my opinion as the right one. As a woman, in particular, I was taught that men where the ones who truly communicated with god. Therefore, their opinions and voices were to be listened to. They knew best. I was the very bottom of the list of who to trust. And there is just so much wrong with that.

4. You worry more about the “after life” than your current existence

Most of us have a bad habit of living in the future. I am still grappling with this, even after having left the church. However, instead of dreaming of the afterlife and fretting about it, I dream of twenty years down the road and fret about it. The key difference is that at least the life I’m now fretting about is an actual existence. Sure, nothing is guaranteed and I could get hit by a bus. But at least the future I’m considering is one in which I’m alive. I shudder to remember all the nights and days I spent in anguish, worrying about the afterlife. What kingdom would I be good enough for? What would I be judged on? Worries I could never know the answer to, and never would know the answer to. Life is hard enough worrying about life. We don’t need to make it harder worrying about it “life” after we’re dead…which is an oxymoron it itself. There is one life we are sure of. This one, here on Earth, right now. To believe anyone who says we continue on, is to believe a con artist who wants to pray on your fears of the unknown.

5. You’ve developed a perfectionist mentality and never feel you’re “good enough”

There was always more I could do to be a better Mormon. I could visit more elderly, volunteer more, sing in the choir, take my “callings” more seriously, prophesize to the non-members at school, pay more tithing, dress more modestly, etc. Funnily enough, it was never being “healthy enough.” I never worried about my vitamin or water intake, how much exercise I was getting, if I was being social enough, or if I was nurturing my needs and desires. I only measured my “goodness” based on how good of a Mormon I was. As a result, I now have trouble ever feeling like I’m doing enough. I question my diet, my daily routine, my goals, everything. Because my head is still holding onto “good enough.” It is an illusion that keeps religious members trapped in a spiral of self-doubt. In religion, you’ll never be good enough.

6. You are made to feel shame about your body, your thoughts, or your views

As a woman especially, my body was utterly shameful. I was a slut if I showed my shoulders, thighs, back, even armpit! I was to hide from the world that I was a woman. As a result, I didn’t see my body as the beautiful form it is. I didn’t see it as all mine, a perfectly personal form, full of wonder and beauty. No one should be made to feel shame about their body. And if you feel shame about thoughts or views, which can be as random as a gust of wind, this is a continued problem. Shame, shame, shame. The only reason you feel shame is your religion is telling you to.

7. You frequently question the teachings that have been instilled in you because you sense something is wrong

Looking back, I can’t believe the beliefs I held about people. I can’t believe I once thought black skin was a curse, homosexuality was a sin, women shouldn’t sell sex, natural plants were harmful, and sex was only for making babies. If you find yourself shaking your head internally, or asking questions but getting no answers, you might be onto something. Your intuition, your brain, even your heart is trying its best to work out your beliefs and what you’re being told. If you’ve been taught to doubt yourself before others, this is a serious red flag. Worse, if you’ve been taught to doubt your doubts, as Mormons are, this is an even bigger red flag. Listen to yourself above ALL else, including me.

8. You must pay a membership fee (”tithe”) to receive the full blessings/benefits of your religion

For Mormons, the fee is 10% of your income – EVERY MONTH. That’s right, every damn month. If you missed a month, or were just a little short, you are not considered a “full tithe payer” and all the perks of membership (passing sacrament, temple access, ie Heaven access, etc.) are revoked. This requirement was on top of a slew of others, but I found it so interesting that the money requirement was the most vital. God doesn’t need your money. In fact, Mormons are sitting on a cool $100 billion in assets. Members money, despite what the leaders will tell them, go to buying Gamestop stocks, building lavish malls, and farmland from Mexico to Australia. I sincerely doubt most members would like to know what their “tithes” are going towards.

9. You’ve lost friends and/or family members because they left the church or don’t follow the church’s teachings

In my life, I tried to convert at least three people, be them friends or young loves. I believed I was doing the right thing. In the end, the ones where I tried to instill my beliefs didn’t last. If you’ve found yourself losing your friends, potential love interests, even family, it’s time to question if your church really has your best interests at heart. I didn’t feel any better by telling people what to do. And I didn’t understand why I had some family members “outside the fold” simply because they weren’t members. But the LDS religion insists on members surrounding themselves with other members, and not being led away by the black sheep. I’m happy to now realize that I was a black sheep and it was only a matter of time before they advised members stay away from me. I’d wager this blog will be warned about if it ever comes across a staunch Mormon’s eyes.

10. You’ve questioned logic and scientific fact in favor of church teachings

This sounds crazy, but if you’ve grown up in religion, you can probably count on two hands the number of facts you ignored in favor of your book’s take on the matter. That’s right, I found myself questioning dinosaurs, life outside Earth, the size of the Universe, if I should help someone in need, etc. And, horrifyingly, I found myself NOT questioning my Republican stance, life after death, a sky daddy monitoring my every action and thought, family roles, my diet, etc. Since leaving Mormonism, my mind has cracked open to allow all the knowledge in and all of the brainwashing and small-mindedness out. It’s scary to be upended like that. Yet I couldn’t be happier. Finally my thoughts align with my feelings. Finally, I feel true wonder when I think of the cosmos, but I don’t have to base my life upon said cosmos. Finally, I look at love from a place of equality and generosity, knowing there is no “wrong/bad” form of love unless someone is being harmed. Finally, I can look at the lifespan of Earth and marvel at evolution. Finally, I see myself as one of the many lifeforms on Earth, no better, no worse, with the same future as everything. Finally, I’m not conflicted.

If you’ve left religion and have reasons to add to this list, leave a comment! Let’s keep this list going!!